Editor's note: As a loud and proud Taurean, I have to stand up for my fellow earth sign brothers and sisters by saying I completely disagree with all the points made in this article. But freedom of speech, or whatever...
As a twenty-something living in the twenty-first century, dating can be absolute hellfire. Navigating a culture of casual sex, booty-call or dating apps, and rancid daddy issues makes dating hard enough – so why make it even harder for yourself by dating an earth sign? *shudders*
Becoming romantically involved with a Taurus, Capricorn or Virgo is a horrendous idea at the best of times. Here’s why:
They have as much charisma as a lamp
At least lamps are somewhat useful – because your earth bae is most definitely not the light at the end of the tunnel. Seriously, your earth boo is flat (see what I did there?) and uninspiring – unless you’re super interested in the stock market (yes, that’s a Capricorn-specific jab).
Earth signs are known for being all work and no play. Sure, this might help you get one whole house deposit somewhere down the line, but once you’re there you’ll spend your nights sitting back and staring at your bland white walls and minimalist décor, rife with insomnia, wishing you’d opted to date someone spicier.
They’re periodically inconsiderate
Virgos in particular tend to be very proud people. While there’s nothing wrong with some healthy self-love, an overdose thereof can make one blind to the needs of others.
After an argument, the best you’ll generally get from an earth sign is an attempt to talk down the situation – but definitely not an apology. The ability to accept blame isn’t something earth natives naturally possess.
They’ll be your worst critic
Sure, some healthy criticism in a relationship can be an okay thing. We all want to have a partner who makes us grow into a better person. But sheesh. We shit on fire signs for their excessive bluntness, but an earth sign trying to point out your flaws is pure wasabi.
Don’t go expecting constructive criticism either; they’ll just point out your flaws bereft of actual advice. It’ll almost be as bad as a long family lunch with your Racist UncleTM who doesn’t think your Arts degree is a worthy life investment compared to working in a trade like him.
They’re emotionally deflated
And you can’t blow them back up (sorry). Earth signs’ emotional shortcomings are borne from a combination of their rigidness, the lifelong tension they suffer between materialism and frugality, and the mere knowledge of having to exist as an earth zodiac. This can make earth signs hard for the rest of us to connect with on an emotional level.
Communication is a foreign concept
If you’re the type of person who doesn’t like to be spoken to until at least 11am, then a Virgo, Taurus or Capricorn is potentially a good match for you. This is because they cannot. fucking. communicate.
Put on your knee pads and elbow guards; because you’re going to be dragged along limply while they take their sweet arse time to decide how they feel about you. And when they ultimately decide they’re jUsT nOt FeElInG it, you’ll be the last to know.
Romance will be dead from the first date
Don’t hold out for roses, love notes or even base level affection; you just won’t get this from an earth sign. You know that feeling when a little kid stands and stares at you unabashedly at the grocery store? That’s earth sign-level affection. It means they love you. Or they’re repulsed by you. You’ll never know which.
Sure, the above arguments are strong generalisations – but it’s risky getting frisky with an earth sign nonetheless.
Claire is Hogwarts aficionado who will stalk your social media account to find your star sign as soon as she meets you. When she's not re-reading Harry Potter for the zillionth time or meddling in some casual witchcraft, you can find her thinking aloud on Twitter @silent_claire.