How essential oils can help you shit on neoliberalism

August 11, 2019

Young Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg is leading millennials and Gen Z-ers in doing all we can in the fight against climate change – but the big wigs don’t give a fuck.

 

 

Capitalism has birthed neoliberalism, which attaches a market value to Everything TM. This lens sprouts vested capitalist interests in the socio-political sphere and prevents the actual rectification of the intertwining issues of resource scarcity, overconsumption, capitalism and climate change.

 

Therefore, we must assume the end of the world is impending and we need to train ourselves in combat with only the finest, most stellar equipment we can grasp: essential oils. Here are five essential oils you can use to make your impending suffering more bearable.

 

Cedarwood

 

Cedarwood is a soft, woody fragrant substance that offers multiple benefits to the classic millennial clinging to life in the neoliberal hell we live in. It’s likely that by the year 2030, a mere 10% of the world’s rainforests will remain. If you’re the nostalgic type, the scent of cedarwood floating out of your diffuser will remind you of the musky aroma of wet trees after rain once the majority of our rainforests have been bulldozed to smithereens. Cedarwood will also help you to relax and get some downtime in an atmosphere that reeks of existential dread. 

 

Lavender

 

Lavender is renowned for its relaxing, calming properties and sweet aroma. What would be a better substance (except maybe vodka) to take down with you into a bomb shelter to help you sleep deeply and peacefully underground whilst your town is blown to dust in the impending nuclear war? If anyone can get a fuck-tonne of lavender poured on the White House, it might even chill out ol’ Don enough to stop him from pressing his Big Red ButtonTM – or bragging about it, at least. Can someone start a GoFundMe? Thanks. 

 

 

 

Patchouli
 

Sure, patchouli has its benefits, like tension release and calming allergies. But it literally smells like dirt. So, if you’re on the run from authorities after stealing only enough corn to feed your starving loved ones once 90% of the earth has been burnt to ashes and there’s no food, it’s the perfect scent to drape over your entire body, to help you blend in with the earth while you Naruto run swiftly through the cornfields like Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games with your sneaky corn cobs. 

 

Peppermint
 

While peppermint is most commonly known as a stimulant that keeps the mind awake during exam times, allowing for maximum focus, it’s also the pepper spray of the new age. If the patchouli fails to disguise your human scent and you’re caught stealing food by government officials and their super-sniffer hounds who will turn you in for a bounty unless you perform vile sexual favours toward them (I really need to stop reading YA dystopian fiction),  a splash of peppermint to the face of your captor will allow you to continue Naruto-running home, while your enemy is left gouging their burning eyes out. 

 

 

Frankincense
 

Known as ‘the father of essential oils’, frankincense is mostly remembered throughout society as one of the gifts the bible’s wise bois bestowed upon Jesus at his birth. Given that the capitalist structures holding up society and simultaneously plaguing its existence aren’t going anywhere, and efforts to diminish it aren’t earning great results, we need to follow the example of our great world leaders and rely on “thoughts and prayers” to cure what ails us. Frankincense is said to have strong spiritual properties which can induce a meditative state and help us escape the present and reconnect with a ‘higher’ self. Let’s face it, this might be our only escape from a true dystopian reality in the near future. 


So before you instinctively reach for a loaded weapon when the climate apocalypse hits, consider posting your existential woes on Facebook to attract an army of MLM mums, who will be more than happy to stock you with all the essential oils you’ll need to fight neoliberalism with ease.

 

 

Claire is Hogwarts aficionado who will stalk your social media account to find your star sign as soon as she meets you. When she's not re-reading Harry Potter for the zillionth time or meddling in some casual witchcraft, you can find her thinking aloud on Twitter @silent_claire.

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