Things I definitely don't miss about being a uni student

January 28, 2019

It’s easy to fall for good old Mr. Nostalgia’s sneaky ways when you pack up your university life and head out into the real world. Sure, it was a whole lot of fun. Sure, you made all these cool and interesting friends, but are you really sure it’s worth getting emotional about doing your “very last” load of laundry on campus? Or getting teary over your “very last” poo in a university cubicle toilet?



No, it’s not. But sometimes we just can’t help but feel emotional. So perhaps rather than dwelling on the things you’ll never be able to do again, think back on those things you’re glad to see the end of, and rejoice for a future filled with four-ply toilet paper and fully functioning kitchen appliances.


Those filthy kitchens

If you haven’t lived in a dorm, you really haven’t seen messy. You might think your room mates leaving their plates around the house is annoying, but imagine walking into a kitchen filled to the brim with festering saucepans and half-empty cans of mouldy tuna.


Imagine your thongs sticking to the alcohol-drenched floors and maggots crawling from your ceiling*. I haven’t just seen it, I’ve lived it, and I can easily say that I’m happy to never have to endure such a tremendous disregard for basic hygiene standards ever again.




*True story. We did have actual maggots at one point.


Those awful hangovers

You’ll still have dreadful hangovers, mark my word. Just because you’ll soon be in the real world, it doesn’t mean you’ll loosen your grip on the ol’ bottle. If anything, you might rely on it a little more than usual. The difference is that you’ll probably discover that your hangovers are less debilitating than they used to be, because now that you have a full-time job, you’re forced to harden the fuck up and just get on with it rather than lazing around on the dorm couch picking KFC crumbs from your crotch.


You probably won’t find yourself waking up in the carpark quite as often as you used to, and now that you can afford to pay for the good kind of wine, you can say goodbye to those sugar-induced headaches you used to house after a night out on the UDLs.




Those shitty sexual experiences

If you’re entering your next stage of life as a single pringle, then perhaps you’ll be having a little less sex than those who have tied themselves down with a nice little sex friend. The upside is that at least you won’t have to deal with those painstaking experiences of having sex with someone who likes to think they’re mature enough to have sex with you, but following the act decides to revert back to their teenage mindset, fart on your pillow, and proceed to pretend like they’ve never, ever seen you naked before.


Be gone, foolish child, be gone.|




Those obligation friends

You know the ones you did a group project with that one time, or the kid you’d walk to the library with because one day you both noticed you came from the same direction and they just kind of kept tagging along after that? Neither of you really wanted to be each other’s friend, but it was kind of convenient. I've probably already deleted you from Facebook tbh.



This article was originally published at Hijacked. Click here for the original.

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