I cringe at the thought of New Year’s resolutions, but I make them anyway. I could have attempted these goals at any point throughout my life but there’s something about the social pressure to better oneself beginning 1st January that I always give in to.
However, this year I’m one step ahead of the game. Before I rattle off my list of goals to my friends (who will remember that I said I wouldn’t eat McDonalds and then promptly visit the drive through with them in the passenger seat) and face their judgement, I already know I won’t be achieving any of the things I didn’t really make an effort to do in the first place.
UNREASONABLE RESOLUTION #1: Stop slouching
As I see my profile in the mirror, I notice a hunch that cannot be un-hunched. As soon as I shift my shoulders back, I am in a world of discomfort and think my tits are too out there and will poke someone in the eye (I’m short though so they may just poke a child’s eye out).
UNREASONABLE RESOLUTION #2: Be friends with my neighbours.
I’ll make friends with Gladys living in number four. We’ll swirl our wines and laugh at the merriments of life while I ponder why we didn’t become closer sooner, just like those folk living on Ramsay Street. This of course will happen once I’ve overcome years of social anxiety and crippling shyness. Can’t wait Gladys!
UNREASONABLE RESOLUTION #3: Do yoga every day
I once did a six-week yoga course and hated it, but for some reason I’ve decided I’m going to do it every day and I’ll love it. I’ll love trying to suppress some flatulence while my legs are stood wide apart; arms reaching towards the ceiling while someone I’ve never met before pushes their hand on my back in an attempt to lengthen my stance and turn my hips uncomfortably inwards. Relaxing.
They're probably trying to cure my hunch. No chance.
UNREASONABLE RESOLUTION #4: Save more money
I’ll start saving right after I buy everything needed to ensure I look better than I did last year i.e. eyeshadow colours I’ll never wear (electric blue is cool, but I’ll always turn back to my safe shades of brown, brown and also brown), a gym membership I’ll never use (but at least I can say “at my gym” and join in on all those fitness conversations), clothes I’ll never wear (not daring enough to wear the dress with the plunging neckline in front of people with eyes and opinions but I bought it anyway because new year, same confidence issues).
UNREASONABLE RESOLUTION #5: Don’t use my phone so much
Hmmm... better check my online bill again, oh and my work emails, plus my mother wants me to search for this store and the directions to get there even though she has a phone herself, and I also need to endlessly scroll through Instagram looking at people’s lives that are a lot better than mine, then I need to Google search social media anxiety, also search cancer symptoms and see if the headache I have is related, now I’m watching a funny cat video, now I need to engage in an endless Youtube video spiral where I end up watching K-pop videos (they sure can dance!).
I’ll finally put my phone away, but I’ve forgotten to set my alarm. Now I’m back on Instagram looking at random people’s comments about other random people I’ve never met before, another cat video, do I have any more emails I need to check? But I’ll totally put my phone away more often.
Cynthia Nobrega is a trivia enthusiast, using her annoying competitive streak and useless knowledge about random shit to yell out answers before anyone else can. She is also often called a cynic but still cries tears of joy when people find love on reality dating shows, “They (sob) found (sob) each other! (flood of tears). Lurk her @shitstagram._