Everything millennials ruined in 2018

December 18, 2018

The millennial stereotype is condemned on the daily: we “participation trophy” millennials (those born from the early 1980s to 2000) are everything from overly-sensitive, to too indifferent; we eat out too much, we don’t eat enough - the tabloids can’t seem to agree.

 

But one stereotype that news headlines seem to agree on is that millennials are the most destructive generation of all time. It’s true, we millennials are serial killers; in cold blood we have butchered everything from divorce to canned tuna (no, I’m not even joking). Here’s a list of unfortunate (and fortunate) casualties:

 

Divorce rates

 

Ahh, separation. The glorious climax to almost one-third of our parents’ marriages – if you’re a divorce attorney, that is. It’s almost like we’ve watched the generation above us fail and we’re being much more careful about who we commit to... There, I said it. Hang me for treason.

 

Another reason that divorce rates are at an all-time low is because it mirrors the marriage deficit: millennials aren’t getting married – at least not at the same age as their parents.

 

Which brings us to...

 

Marriage

 

There are a trillion reasons for this. More millennials attend universities than any previous generation. The social media wave and subsequent online dating apps have influenced a casual dating epidemic that lasts well into our twenties – years in which previous generations would have married and bred.

 

Also, as mentioned above, our own parents’ generation have a high divorce rate – that shit is painful and we don’t want to repeat it. Finally, most of us aren’t in a stable financial position to support a family – so we’re putting it all off.

 

Diet Coke

 

Millennials almost suffocated Diet Coke’s profitability from 2005 to 2017. Research suggests it’s because we are suspicious of artificial ingredients in the beverage and are consuming less sugary drinks altogether. Thankfully (for them), the company have sort of reinvented their brand.

 

They’ve floated some sweet new flavours – twisted mango and feisty cherry – to appeal to the violent, bloodthirsty millennial palate. Diet Coke’s newfound surge in popularity was also pushed by a Superbowl campaign designed around social media, using an Instagram meme account as an influencer. Go figure.

 

Fabric Softener

 

This wasn’t a calculated murder, dear fabric softener, but manslaughter – it’s nothing personal. We just don’t know what you’re used for, according to P&G’s president of global fabric care, a non-millennial.

 

FOXBusiness.com actually spoke to two millennials about the lack of fabric softener in their laundry cupboards, and found that this was due to environmental reasons, and not being satisfied with the quality. Yay for market research.

 

Mayonnaise

 

Mayonnaise is white and basic, the “Taylor Swift of condiments”. Does it have a place in our globalised, Insta-fuelled daily menu? Increasingly, it does not, as is shown by declining sales throughout the mayo industry.

 

There are a plethora of reasons as to why we want mayo to die: it somewhat resembles certain bodily secretions you wouldn’t want to ingest (at least, not at a picnic table with Grandma), it jiggles weirdly, it looks like bleached ketchup and it’s pretty damn bland. Labelled by Buzzfeed as “the slime of Satan”, this mushy white horror is on the decline and I’m not sorry.

 

"We were brought up in a world plagued by a global warming crisis and we’re chastised for killing the freakin’ napkin industry. Cry me a river."

 

Loose change

 

Buried deep in the graveyard of millennial murder victims is, according to an ING survey, $466 million Aussie dollars (annually). Why, you may ask, is enough money for two whole people to break into the Sydney housing market lying forgotten in the dirt? Millennials don’t like to carry around loose change. Hey, it’s not our fault our clothes don’t have pockets.

 

Napkins

 

Rest in pieces, you non-biodegradable, wasteful tissue. Condemn us for witchcraft if you like, but purchasing reusable cloths to use instead of napkins is far more environmentally stable, and cheaper in the long run.

 

Canned tuna

 

A heartfelt letter [paywall] from an empathetic Gen Xer begs millennials to stop killing tuna. She claims that only 32% of millennials buy canned fish, citing the Wall Street Journal. Why? We don’t like processed food, and the stench of canned, processed fish is enough to make us do something completely drastic – like read an actual newspaper or visit a church. Also, what the fuck is a can opener? I think my Nan owned one in the 80s.

 

Seriously, though – boomers have literally destroyed the planet we live in. As we millennials grew up, we saw the impacts of the global financial crisis on our immediate families and societies.

 

With less trust in financial institutions than our elders, we're statistically less likely to invest. We were brought up in a world plagued by a global warming crisis and we’re chastised for killing the freakin’ napkin industry. Cry me a river. We’re just a generation adapting to the world that is left for us – like every other generation did at our age.

 

 

Claire is Hogwarts aficionado who will stalk your social media account to find your star sign as soon as she meets you. When she's not re-reading Harry Potter for the zillionth time or meddling in some casual witchcraft, you can find her thinking aloud on Twitter @silent_claire. 

 

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