I was never really into Halloween when I was younger. It just wasn’t a thing in my circle of friends until I got older and it transitioned into house parties and alcohol I could steal from a bathtub filled with ice in a random person’s home.
I’ve fallen victim to not knowing what to dress up as for these parties and I’m ashamed to admit I’ve gone as the cliché pirate or animal of some sort. Although this time I’m venturing out into a world of true horror and freakiness by rethinking the traditional costumes.
INSTEAD OF: Sexy bee.
When the fuck did bees become sexy? I clearly missed the memo because I was always taught that horizontal stripes were unflattering and there has never been a time where someone uttered the word “sexy” while trying to swat a bee away in complete panic.
GO AS: Someone who received an outrageous bee sting and doesn’t have an EpiPen on hand.
The overwhelming swelling and the redness are sure to freak someone out, along with the missing antidote. Very scary indeed!
INSTEAD OF: A ghost.
Ahhh the laziest of the lazy, the ol’ "I didn’t have time to make a costume, so I just grabbed a sheet and cut some holes in it for eyes" costume. The only terrifying thing about this is how sheet it turned out.
GO AS: A crudely folded fitted sheet.
It's a well known fact that fitted sheets CANNOT be folded neatly. If you go as a 'folding attempt' (with those corners NOT lined up), you're bound to freak out any of the perfectionists in the room.
I’m sweating just thinking about it.
INSTEAD OF: A skeleton.
No, your skeleton face make-up won’t turn out like the Instagram photos you see of bedazzled faces with black and white paint resembling a beautiful skull. Yours will turn out like panda eyes and a pale complexion that makes you look sick (I know it, I’ve tried).
GO AS: The musculoskeletal system.
Trying to remember all the names of muscles, tendons, ligaments etc. really brings back horrific memories of sitting anatomy exams and tossing and turning in bed while reciting “skeletal muscle, smooth muscle, cardiac muscle” in my mind. Stick a few of these names on your body and your costume’s set.
INSTEAD OF: Hugh Hefner.
This costume is highly desirable because it would be amazingly comfortable walking around in a robe and slippers. But why go as a relaxed playboy sitting on millions of dollars when you can go as a frightful poor woman instead?
GO AS: The tampon tax.
Cover yourself in as many feminine hygiene products as you can and slap a tax stamp over it because all women have lost money on these necessary products for too long. Truly disturbing.
INSTEAD OF: Sexy nurse.
It’s the first on any Halloween costume list and seems to remark that extreme illness and recovery is somehow hot.
GO AS: A female doctor.
It will horrify someone to think anyone with a vagina could have a profession besides nursing in a hospital setting. Spooky!
Cynthia Nobrega is a trivia enthusiast, using her annoying competitive streak and useless knowledge about random shit to yell out answers before anyone else can. She is also often called a cynic but still cries tears of joy when people find love on reality dating shows, “They (sob) found (sob) each other! (flood of tears). Lurk her @shitstagram._
Lead image: How I Met Your Mother.