There are times in your sexual life where you need to be sensitive. It's important to be tactful and delicate with your approach in order to spare someone's feelings. Maybe your sex human has terrible BO? Maybe you really hate it when they lick all the way up your bum crack? Perhaps their peen or vageen smells a little unusual? You need to come from a caring place of love and let them down easy in order to save them from eternal embarrassment. Example:
Babe maybe we should take a shower, we're both kind of sweaty.
Instead of licking my anus, why not try my dick instead? I really like that.
Even though your dick is SO BIG and HARD, it's starting to smell a little funky. Let's get some soap down there next time I'm giving you head in the shower, how does that sound?
Then, there are times when you're the victim of a really shit root and in that instance, all aforementioned pleasantries should be thrown out the window and you need to just tell 'em straight: "You're bad in bed." Here are a few suggestions on how to bring it up:
1. You: You know when you order something from ASOS that looks amazing on the model and you're really excited for it to arrive, then two weeks later you get a note from the Post Office saying 'Sorry that we missed you' and when you go to pick up your package the Post Office is closed, so you leave work early the next day and JUST make it in time and then when you open your order and try it on it looks like bullshit on you?
You: That's how disappointing that sexual experience was for me.
2. * Cue robotic, missionary sex *
You: * Jumps out of the bed frantically * Oh my god are you okay?
Them (confused): Uhh...yeah? What's wrong?
You: *Runs around the room looking for phone* Oh my god, where's my phone. I need to call an ambulance!
Them (perturbed): What the hell? What's going on?
You: * Starts checking their pulse * Oh, thank god you're alive. I literally thought that you had died.
3. Use the ever handy tool, Let Me Google That For You. All you have to do then is pass on this here link to them: http://bfy.tw/GPXl
4. You: I'd rather sit through all 7,000+ episodes of Bold and the Beautiful than have sex with you ever again.
Them: Hey, you up?
Them: Wanna come over and have sex?
You: No, thank you for the invitation though.
Them: Why? :'(
You: Because I don't hate myself.
6. Submit your sexual partner's details to the Betoota Advocate and hope that they write an article on them, like they did for Tom Tilley.
7. Throw a glass of water on them and when they say, "Fuck, what was that for?" you can say, "That was for the shitty sex that you just subjected me to." Harsh, but effective.
8. Ask them to watch the Ten Best Sex Films, according to Esquire, and encourage them to take notes.
9. Send them this book in the mail with a Post It that says "there will be a pop quiz at the end of the week." (Or this book).
10. Just tag them in this article, they'll get the message.
Of course, you could always be a trooper, slap some L plates on them and spend 120 hours of one-one-on teaching time with them until they qualify for their full sex license, but not everyone has that kind of spare time up their sleeve.
Kate Neilson is the founding editor at Twenty Something Humans. She likes eating toast in bed and hates it when someone touches her belly button, even if that someone is herself. You can reach her here and lurk her @katiepotatierose.