I've probably had an intolerance to dairy for the majority of my existence, yet I seemed to have lived in ignorant bliss for the best part of two decades as I've only recently started to make adjustments to my diet that enable me to get through a meal without experiencing the excruciating feeling of needing to shit myself.
Over the last three or four years, I've trialled many of the 'lactose-free' alternatives on offer. Some of them are truly terrible. I'm a firm believer that just because you can't tolerate dairy, this shouldn't mean that you should have to suffer through coconut flavoured everything! Blergh. So here, dear friend, are my top lactose free picks that are sure to fool your stomach into thinking you're tasting the real deal.
Black Swan Lactose Free Naturally Sweet Greek Style Yoghurt
Guys, this shit is so fucking good. Giving up yoghurt was an emotional experience for me because I freakin' love the stuff, especially Greek yoghurt, and I was utterly disgusted by the watery, coconutty, vanilla laced replacements that I was subjected to when I was first weening myself off the good stuff.
Enter Black Swan (the humans that make those hectic dips). They truly changed the faux-yoghurt (fauxgurt) game. It's creamy and dreamy; makes for a great base for a breaky of fresh fruit. Coming in a close second for fabulous fauxgurt is Jalna's Pot Set Lactose Free yogurt. It's not as pretty as Black Swan's product, but hey, it does the job!
Bonsoy and So Good Soy
I honestly wouldn't bother with any of the other soy milk brands. If a barista isn't using one of the below to make your soy latte, chances are they don't know what they'e doing and you're likely to end up with a chunky, curdled coffee that you'll have to chew your way through. I like both of these brands because they still maintain a level of creaminess and their nutty flavour isn't over powering but rather complementary. Bonsoy is a bit of a bougie product and they did have some controversy surrounding their "toxic iodine levels", but it seems as though they've since sorted that out and they still have my unwavering love and affection.
So Good Chocolate Almond Ice-cream
Once, my housemate and I sat in our back yard (drunk) and demolished an entire punnet of this shizz. It's THE BEST dairy-free ice-cream my tastebuds have ever experienced. There are little nutty, chocolatey bits mixed into this almond based treat and I swear it doesn't taste at all like you're eating frozen garbage. The runner up price for delish dairy-free ice-creams goes to Weis, for their dark chocolate and coconut bars. This is the one time that I'm down for coconut flavoured content. Yumo.
Botanical Cuisine lemon & dill cashew cream cheese
I've not had the privilege of trying this yet but it comes highly reccomended from a reliable source, so I'm confident to add this one to the list. Not only is it lactose free, it's dairy free too, so it's good for all the vegan humans out there! It's based on cashews with dill, lemon, salt, garlic, onion, peppercorn and an organic culture.
For the times where you just can't resist temptation (this usually involves a slice of cheesecake or some brie cheese) Lactese will be your best mate. Pop one or two of these bad boys 10-15 minutes before consuming the goods and you're good to go. Note: these only aid the digestion of dairy, they're not miracle workers. If you drink and entire milkshake after one Lactese you will probably still shit yourself. Take it easy kiddo.
Now, go forth and prosper you dairy-free queen!
Kate Neilson is the founding editor of Twenty Something Humans. She likes toast in bed and gin and tonics. She feels awkward writing about herself in third person. You can lurk her @katiepotatierose.
Cover Image designed by Nikki Farmer - @nikki_farmer_