I have questions for the people at Bumble HQ: why is every male aged between 20-35 a Financial Analyst?

October 21, 2017

I recently jumped on the Bumble train. Tinder just wasn't doing it for me anymore and there's no way that I was going to start talking to strangers IRL, gross (also, it hardly ever works in my favour).

 

Immediately, I noticed the obvious Bumble benefits in the 'Tinder versus Bumble debate'. The men seemed to be more mature and I liked that the women were in control when it came to making the first move. Although, I'd like to know what happens in a male-to-male scenario, are gay men welcome in the Bumble community? I do hope so.

 

There are some other aspects that I'm a little iffy about too and I have a few questions that I'd like to pose to the people over at Bumble HQ.

 

 

Are these people even real?

 

When I first jumped onto Bumble I was awestruck by the number of GORGEOUS men that were popping up on my screen. It was as if I had died and gone to six-pack heaven (aka Bondi). However, I didn't feel 'lucky' to have a bevy of beautiful men at my fingertips, I felt like I was being played. There's no way in hell that 'Ben, 27, Model, 4 kilometres away' is a real person. Those types of beauties only exist in the magazines, or on Laguna Beach, and if he is a real person, what the fuck is he doing on Bumble? He'd only have to walk outside of his Manly apartment, turn left and he could find himself an equally as attractive, bikini-clad GF within mere seconds.

 

My theory is that Bumble plants these people in the mix to get us average joes excited about the possibility of being able to have sex with a straight ten. I'd tell my friends, "the guys on Bumble are sooo much hotter than Tinder boys," which is exactly what the Bumble people wanted! As the days wore on, my hotties were depleting and the 'regular' guys were taking the lead. Don't get me wrong, I love a regular guy. I actually prefer them over Greek-God-Male-Models; give me a Dad Bod over a six-pack any day. I just don't feel like being lied to Bumble. Don't try and play me for a fool.

 

 

 

 

Why do I already know everyone on Bumble?

 

Within my first hour on the app (which happened to be a lonely night in, nursing a bruised ego), I was confronted with about 10-15 people that I already knew. Some, I had already slept with, others I had tried to sleep with and then there were those who were old mates from a bygone era. I already know that 'Matt, 25, 8 kilometres away' has commitment issues. 'Tom, 31, 2 kilometres away' and I already went on a date and it didn't end well and I'm actually pretty good mates with the girlfriend of 'Jason, 28, 3 kilometres away', so I'm not really sure what he's doing there in the first place?

 

If I felt like re-traumatising myself with every failed sexual encounter that I've had, I'd just scroll through my 'friends' list on Facebook. Give me a fresh human to ruin my chances with please Bumble, it's the least you can do.

 

 

 

 

Why is every man, aged between 20-35, a Financial Analyst?

 

I swear I've scrolled through the entire Financial Services workforce over the last few weeks, are there really that many young men working as BDMs or Financial Analysts? I guess so. Perhaps they just think it's a super impressive career path? After all, money=girls=functional relationship. Right?

 

If they're not working in finance then they're usually an 'entrepreneur' and honestly, what does that even mean? Does constructing a good smoothie bowl in the morning make for an entrepreneur? If so, I am one too. Come back to me when you've developed the next big social media platform and maybe we can talk.

 

 

 

What's with the freakin' time limits? My life is stressful enough as it is.

 

I don't like the timer placed on every interaction in the Bumble world. It causes me great stress. I don't have time to include 15 minutes of Bumble admin into my daily routine. I'm a busy woman, that's why I'm on Bumble in the bloody first place! I want to jump on once a week and check in to see whose diggin' me but by the time I get there all I can see are a bunch of hotties, faded into a grey circle that symbolises a lost opportunity. It's all a little too much.

 

 

 

Why did you send me a notification calling me a 'Queen' that one time?

 

Did you know that I was sad that day? Are you watching me? Do you know when I need a subtle boost of self-esteem? You haven't sent me a compliment since. Was I supposed to say something back to you? Have I hurt your feelings Bumble? It's all very confusing.

 

 

 

 

Kate Neilson is the founding editor at Twenty Something Humans. She likes gin and tonic in the sun and eating her toast in bed. She finds it difficult to write about herself in third person. She can be lurked @katiepotatierose.

 

 

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