Surviving a never ending crush

December 7, 2017

Every single human on this planet has been cursed with a never ending crush. It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, in an “it’s complicated” situation, there will always be someone else that you’ve spent years lusting over, knowing very well that it will never eventuate into anything of substance. Your relationship will be made up of subtle hand grazes, longing stares across the room and that one time that you nearly kissed at a New Years Eve party before fucking Stacey ruined EVERYTHING by smooshing you both together inside a fucking Stacey sandwich-esque hug and drunkenly slurring: “Omg I love you guys so much, you’re just like brother and sister! You look the same. I’m going to vomit.” Fucking Stacey.

 

 

 

Never ending crushes are endlessly frustrating because whenever you’re around said person, your little heart is reaching out on its tip-toes, arms stretched out trying its very best to grab onto their heart but it can never quite reach. It’s an itch you can never scratch. A case you can never crack. A torso that you’ll never lick.

 

Nine times out of ten, never ending crushes go absolutely nowhere and you know this from the get go. You'll see their face for the first time across the crowded room at a party or on the bus and your heart will immediately break because you know that you're about to torture yourself for a period of 5-10 years by imagining your lives together; thinking about what they might look like naked or if they were a good kisser.

 

If you’re the one out of ten that actually gets something positive out of the situation – let’s call those the ‘almost’ never ending crushes – then the chances are that you’re the fucking problem! You’re the people perpetuating the myth that never ending crushes can have a happy ending. THEY DON’T. Yours did, but ours won’t. We’re not that lucky. Please go back to licking your partner’s torso and just leave us to lie in bed with a scented candle and our cruel imaginations.

 

 

How does one get themselves trapped in a never ending crush? Who are these unattainable people, you ask? They could be "forbidden fruit", a friend's sibling perhaps or their ex-partner from ye olde days. You just can't go there. Another reason could be that the person you are lusting over is miles out of your league. It's a shame to think that this type of social hierarchy exists, but let's be real here, it does. They might be a 10 and as a solid 7.5 you’re just not going to do that to yourself.

 

Maybe they're your mate and you're afraid of fucking things up. Or maybe you've never even met them before. It's very easy to fall in love with someone that you continuously see on your morning train commute, mainly because you haven't spent any time with them, so you can turn them into whoever you'd like them to be. The most painful ones are the people that you know though, because if they are funny, beautiful, talented, charismatic, intelligent, good at poaching eggs, family orientated and good at ice-hockey then you’re really screwed because you just have to spend your entire life wading in the shallow end of their wonderfulness when all you want to do is strip off and dive into their deep, rumbling waves.

 

How do we survive these never ending thumps in our lil hearts?

 

Well for starters, you can try not talking about it to your friends. That will only cement the idea further into your little soul and because your friends love you, they are likely to fill your head with a bunch of bullshit. "Of course so and so likes you! Why wouldn't they? You're fantastic, a ten out of ten!" You’ll leave with an inflated ego and unrealistic expectations and we all know that combination leads to a bruised ego and a sad belly filled with comfort food (nothin’ wrong with that btw).

 

 

You can also try to avoid talking directly to them. If you really think it's not going to go anywhere, try spending as little time with them as possible. Hopefully that will make them fade into the distance a little further. Don’t pull an Eve and hang out around the tree of forbidden fruit just hoping that an apple will fall at your feet.

 

If you can't avoid this person then perhaps try to zero in on a few of their neg qualities. Have they got bad breath? Is there always a piece of snot hanging out of their nostril? Maybe they say "expresso" instead of "espresso"? Erk. Find any small thing and latch onto it, sooner or later they will start to repulse you and you can move on with your life. Hopefully.

 

OR you could just ignore everything that I've said above and do something out of the ordinary; stop stewing on it and just tell them how you feel. Maybe you're their never ending crush too? Maybe you guys can be the one out of ten? (<-- See! That’s something a kind, supportive friend would say!)

 

P.S Do you love how much Lizzie McGuire I squeezed into this article?

 

 

 

Kate Neilson is the founding editor at Twenty Something Humans. She has around 50+ never ending crushes and plans on telling zero of them about it. Do better than her. #Hopelessromantic. Follow her @katiepotatierose.

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