How to get your fuck on

July 28, 2017

Sex is always such a taboo topic. Like, who decided that we can’t talk about getting some peen, veen and everything in between action? And who decided that sex needed to be confined to the bedroom? If you love the idea of embracing your sexual nature, then read on because below are some recommendations for those randy enough give it a red, hot go…mum & dad, avert your eyes!

 

At work

 

Everyone has some sort of sexual fantasy about a co-worker but very few are brave enough to act on it. Usually because it ends very, very bady. Imagine savaging someone you’ve had your eye on and taking the opportunity to have them arse up and face down on your bosses desk? Let’s just hope your boss doesn’t walk in mid spread eagle. Or perhaps let’s hope they do? Work is filled with private spaces like closed offices and conference rooms. Pick one.

 

 

 

At a wedding

 

Wedding hook-ups are totally encouraged by every rom-com you’ve ever watched. It’s the place where love is celebrated. So celebrate a little too hard on the champagne and get your dick hard. Or someone else’s dick hard. Excuse yourself from the party and find a soft patch of grass (classy AF) and thank the heavens you aren’t the one in white because you ain’t so innocent.

 

 

On Contiki

 

Not on the bus. NOT ON THE FUCKING BUS. Well at least not while the rest of the sweaty 20-somethings are onboard too. You’re in the middle of a country that you’ve never been to before and you may never have the chance again. Time to get loose under the Eiffel Tower or at Tropicana. Warning: try not to get caught or you’ll end up with your bare arse trending on social media.

 

 

 

 

At Westfield

 

No, not the disabled toilets. It’s time to level up. Head into your favourite shop. Pick out something to try on. Head towards the change room. Then head to Hump Town – population 2 or 3. New clothes and some nookie. It’s like the two go hand in hand. Just make sure you don’t leave any suspicious stains on the clothing or you will have to pay for that shit.

 

At a hospital

 

There are plenty of empty rooms and it’s one of the most sterile places you could ever bang in. The white walls are practically begging you to add some colour and fornication. Go one bigger and find uniforms so you can add some role play. “Oh doctor, please place your stethoscope right here”.  Plus, if things go pear shaped and a certain something gets stuck, you’re not too far away from help.

 

 

At the movies

 

This isn’t just your typical teenage make-out spot. You can go past getting fingered in the back row, ya know. What could be better than dipping your choctop into someone else’s popcorn? Plus, if you both face the right way, you can watch the action and get some action, everyone’s a winner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking. You can lurk her @amber_melisse.

 

 

 

 

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