"My sex life would probably be better if I stopped..."

July 13, 2017

I am your average twenty-something gal trying to navigate my way through the Big Bad World of Casual Sex and Dating. Over the past year I have removed the shackles of the slut-shaming society which I’ve grown up in and surrounded myself with people, and partners, who are supportive, respectful and love sex as much as I do. No longer is the morning after a “walk-of-shame” (which is actually a really gendered term and should no longer be used tbh), but either a celebration or a non-event. Sex is fucking normal!

 

 

However, there is always room for improvement. As I sit here typing this in my sexiest possible state (wearing a dressing down with a hot water bottle shoved down my shirt), reflecting on the past year of being a single, liberated woman, I have concluded that my sex life would probably be slightly less tragic (albeit less funny) if I stopped:

 

  • Fucking my friends out of curiosity

  • Fucking my friends’ friends out of curiosity

  • Fucking someone again because I’m curious to see if it will be better this time

  • Thinking too much about the playlist I’ve put on to enjoy the sex it's meant to accompany

  • Thinking about memes during sex and telling the person I’m doing the nasty with that I am laughing because I thought of a good meme

  • Letting Tinder Boys treat feminism as appropriate small-talk, as if my idea of a good time is debating my basic human rights

  • Having sex with people who aren’t feminists (no matter how hard they try to convince me they are)

  • Soldiering on through really bad sex

  • Getting drunk and telling people about the really bad sex I’ve had with their friends

  • Drinking too much free wine and not being able to remember making out with my pal, getting home and needing my housemate to undress me and put me in the shower before falling asleep next to a loaf of mouldy bread

  • Drinking, probably

  • Thinking that I can muster up the energy to get down and dirty at 3 a.m. because let’s be honest, I can’t

  • Pretending I’m a morning (sex) person

  • Pretending that shower sex will ever be worth the imminent threat of falling down and concussing myself or the muscle cramps from balancing in unnatural positions

  • Talking about my cat too much on dates

  • Hitting on straight women in the gay club and hiding in the bathroom until they leave because I am but a lowly fool incapable of dealing with rejection

  • Drunkenly sending my friends to tell people in the club that I think they are cute because I want to boogie instead of facing potential rejection

  • Deciding after garnering their interest that I don’t, in fact, think the person in the club is that cute after all and hiding in the bathroom anyway

  • Expecting my abysmal dancing skills to get me some action

  • Treating sex as an alternative to going to the gym

  • Sleeping with dudes who feel like using lube is a personal attack on their masculinity

  • Sleeping with people who comment on my body hair

  • Worrying that other people care about who I sleep with

  • Writing about my sex life and publishing it on the internet

 

 

Courtney is a creative writing student at the University of New South Wales. She enjoys proclaiming her love for her local street cat, drinking gin and pretending she is funnier than she really is. Her go-to karaoke song is "Don't Go Breaking my Heart" and she is always Elton. This is non-negotiable.

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