Like many young adolescent women, I used to buy Cosmo magazine purely for the raunchy articles in the “sealed section”. Those pages, whilst rife with heteronormativity, taught me more about sexuality than my high-school education. It was by the light of a reading lamp and after carefully tearing that perforated strip where I first learnt the word “masturbation”.
Since then, as I’ve become an adult who openly discusses sexuality with friends, partners and, much to my family’s probable discomfort, the internet, I’ve accepted that masturbation is as much a part of life as brushing your teeth and eating your housemate’s two-minute-noodles when you come home drunk at 2 a.m.
However, now that masturbation has almost become taken for granted as a facet of human sexuality, I’ve been thinking about the different types of masturbation we engage in. I don’t mean different ways in which you treat yourself right, but the different reasons and moods that lead our hands South. Here are a few that I’ve come up with that are maybe or maybe not rooted in personal experience (and passive aggression):
Written 73 words of your 3000-word essay that’s due tomorrow? Procrasturbate. Need a bit of a break from responding to work emails at home? Procrasturbate. Need to do something to get the creative ~juices~ flowing? P R O C R A S T U R B A T E
This often comes after the task you’ve been procrastinating. If you made it through a boring work meeting, cleaned your house or did your uni readings (which I’m still not convinced is a thing that people do) then you deserve a little (pants) down time.
You’ve brought home a hottie from the club/that friend you’ve had weird sexual tension with for years/your ex/ a tinder date who didn’t bore you senseless and you’re ready to rock (your bed loudly and apologise to your housemates in the morning). But what’s this? They can’t get it up? Their nails are long as fuck? They kiss like their tongue is a hungry eel preying upon your tonsils? You resign to the fact that there’s no way you’re getting anything out of this interaction. You prematurely congratulated yourself for getting laid (much like his penis did) and now you’re lying there horny and unsatisfied. What do you do? Congratulate yourself for making it through the ordeal (in less time than it took them to realise that you’re not going to get off if they just rub the side of your labia like they’re drying dishes, might I add).
You’re not particularly horny, but you’ve finally got some spare time to yourself and you’ve already checked facebook/twitter/Instagram/tinder/grindr a thousand times. It almost feels like a chore, but you just don’t want to waste an opportunity for some quality alone time.
You look hot. You deserve an orgasm. People are a waste of time. Get it.
While these are just a few examples of the types of masturbation that we engage in, regardless of how or why you masturbate, I hope you all take the time to love yourself this week.
Image designed by @Nikki_Farmer_
Courtney is a creative writing student at the University of New South Wales. She enjoys proclaiming her love for her local street cat, drinking gin and pretending she is funnier than she really is. Her go-to karaoke song is "Don't Go Breaking my Heart" and she is always Elton. This is non-negotiable.