How to enter the casual sex scene without being a total piece of shit

June 16, 2017

I struggle with the world of casual sex, I really do, because most of the time all I want to do is have someone tickle my back while we watch an entire series of Ru Paul's Drag Race and people that are having casual sex with you just don't want to do that. They just want to rock your world and then sashay away.

 

I'd like to be good at it, I really would, because those of my friends who have managed to successfully achieve the whole 'no-string-fun-fling thing' seem to be having themselves a really nice time. 

 

The issue that I have with the casual sex scene is that it will almost always lead to one of the following things: ghosting, crying or an STD. Also, people need to stop assuming that casual sex means that you no longer have to show your sexual partner a basic level of respect. Respect is an essential ingredient in any kind of human interaction, especially when it comes to sticking a part of your body into someone else's body.

 

Sometimes all you want from a sexual situation is something easy, breezy (beautiful, Cover Girl) and that's totally A-OK -  I'm not here to tell you that sex has to be about an act of love between two people because I don't believe that to be the case - but there are some basic rules that you should keep in mind when you strip down and jump into someone's bed in order to avoid being branded as a total piece of shit.

 

In my humble opinion, if you've had sex with someone once and don't plan on doing it again, you should communicate this to them in some way. In an ideal world, you'd be brave enough to make this clear before you have sex with each other because for all you know this could be their very first time, or perhaps sex means something different for them than it does for you. Religion, culture and personal history can play a huge role in shaping an individual's experience with sex.

 

I do acknowledge that these one-nighters don't always invite such a conversation to occur, in which case you really need to make your intentions clear like, the very next day! If you've come back for round two (or three or four) and six weeks in to your hump-a-thon decide that you're "just not feeling it anymore" and proceed to ghost your fellow humpee for the following three weeks then I'm sorry, but you are a piece of shit.

 

As said before, you don't really know the ins and outs of this person (well, I guess you kind of know the ins) so they might have a different idea about your situation. For some, having sex more than once means that you emotionally dig each other, for others it can purely be about the physical stuff - in fact, you might kind of hate them as a person - but how the fuck are we meant to figure out where we stand unless we fucking talk to each other?

 

To speak broadly, ladies are usually unable to shake the whole "crazy, clingy, emotional" label when it comes to following up with a past sex buddy. Usually, if we haven't heard from sex buddy in a few weeks and mention this in a passing comment/text message, we will be met with radio silence. This is followed by 'pub chat' with the boys: "This chick is so clingy. I fucked her once and now she won't leave me alone." I know this conversation happens because I've heard it within my own friendship circles time and time and time again.

 

Usually, we just want answers. Usually, we just want to feel valued. Usually, we want to avoid feeling like we've provided you with our small purpose in the world only to vanish and pretend as if we were never there in the first place. We don't want to fade away like the love bite on your neck.

 

I am speaking of the experiences of both myself and my female friends. I acknowledge that this is most definitely a feeling that men experience too, a feeling that would often be perpetuated by both women and other men. The door does swing both ways. When in doubt, just apply the general rule of thumb, an oldie but a goodie - honestly is the best policy.

 

If you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, maybe I've been a piece of shit to someone recently?" The chances are that you probably have. Just apologise, give them a consensual high-five and let that be that. It hasn't got to be the end of the world, just get your head out of your arse and do better next time.

 

Image: Loren Bousfield / Obscure Photography

 

 

 

 

 

Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and she likes to eat toast in bed. You can lurk her @katiepotatierose.

 

 

 

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