It's quite easy to put a lot of the dumb stuff that you do down to your age. You shat the bed again? That's okay because you're only two. You got head lice for the third time in a year? That's acceptable because you're only eight. You contracted an STI? Well, that's to be expected because you're a carefree 17-year-old and up until three weeks ago you thought that a rim job had something to do with your spectacles.
Surely you get to a certain age when you just stop doing weird stuff and getting yourself into strange situations? I mean, sure, you have your own strain of dickheadery, such as saying 'the' before everything (the Google, the Snapchat, the Tinder) and wearing cargo pants in a non-ironic way, but as a whole, it seems as though people over the age of 40 just stop doing things that were part of their daily lifestyle for the previous decades. Things that you and I would do almost every single day. Things that, when you think about it, are really fucking stupid and unnecessary.
Things such as:
1. Picking up clothes that have been sitting on the floor for a few days and then putting them on and wearing them for the day. Continuing this cycle for the following three days.
2. Sitting down on the floor to put your pants on.
3. Hoarding 4-8 glasses of half empty water in your room for days on end.
4. Pissing in the shower.*
5. Always looking at yourself whenever you pass a reflective surface (does vanity ever fade?)
6. Looking at yourself in the mirror when you're crying to see if you'd look good in a movie/TV show about your life.
7. Watching on as 80% of your groceries rot away in your fridge and doing absolutely nothing about it.
8. Spend approximately 2.5 hours stalking the boyfriends/girlfriends of people that you went to primary school with for no reason in particular other than the fact that you've got a lot of time to kill at 2 am.
9. Eating dinner after 9:30 pm.
10. Constantly finding socks, underwear, condom wrappers and tissues, balled up at the end of your bed.
11. Telling people that you're "taking a year off" to figure out your priorities.
12. Making fashion choices in an ironic way and assuming that everyone knows that you're being ironic (speed dealers, Hawaiian shirts, Make America Great Again merchandise, flared pants, Adidas attire etc.).
13. Reading only the first few sentences of an article about the Middle East or Nelson Mandela's Presidency and the following day, saying something like this in a social setting: "I was reading this really interesting article about (insert topic that you have minimal knowledge on here) and I think (insert uninformed opinion here).
14. Responding to incredibly sad news with an emoji and vague letters that slightly resemble a sentence.
Friend: My dog died today.
You: Srsly??? :'( awwwwww no bby grl. I'm so srry!!! :'(
15. Purposefully putting off things that might physically save your life: getting your brakes checked, going to the doctor when you break out in a weird rash, fixing the dodgy lock on your back door.
16. Feeling genuinely excited when "Party in the USA" comes on at a party.
* I'm actually horrified about this addition, but my housemate says that "everyone does it." I need to move out. Hmu if u have a spare room.
Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and feels uncomfortable writing about herself in third persom. You can lurk her @katiepotatierose.