How to give the illusion that you have your life in order

May 26, 2017

Let’s face it, us millennials spend half our time drunk and the other half wishing we were drunk. It’s a vicious cycle of getting through the working week (whatever that may be) before celebrating those two precious days of freedom with complete disregard for what your boss/grandma would think.

 

 

Usually this is all well and good until you hit that weird stage of life where people you went to high school with start getting married, having kids and getting serious full time jobs – many of which involve looking after children or large amounts of money. Suddenly your four-day festival bender doesn’t seem so impressive. Don’t panic though, it’s never too late to turn your act around and in just a few steps you’ll be able to recover and let the world know how successful you really are!

 

Go to Brunch

 

Everyone who has their shit in order goes to brunch. As the Coachella of the food world, you can expect to see beautiful people in their horrifically expensive Raybans instagramming organic acai bowls that have probably been blessed by Pete Evans himself.

 

Not an acai person? NO PROBLEM. You can lean towards the opposite side of the spectrum and get something outrageously decadent like a stack of maple bacon, free range egg and halloumi dripping in some kind of Byron bay-sourced homemade relish. No matter what you get to eat, the morning light will make for great content.

 

What’s even better than simply snapchatting the fact you’re not only up early but also living your finest life, is if you work in some kind of creative industry and can BYO laptop and/or tablet. Nothing screams ‘I’m more productive than you’ than giving the illusion you have so much work to do that you can’t even enjoy a meal without brainstorming various ways to make cakes in mugs. Just waltz on in to that café and feel the looks of admiration as you type away whilst everyone around you, the mere mortals of the world, just sit and waste time. It’s liberating, really.

 

Buy A Calendar

 

Or a diary. Just any form of Kikki K product that can help you keep track of all the important dates and events in your life. These beacons of hope will store all the important things you’ll inevitably forget about due to being too hungover to know what day it is. Imagine a world where you actually plan your mum’s birthday present two weeks in advance instead of the morning of! Imagine remembering exactly when you get paid and not blowing it all at once!  Imaging scheduling in a catch-up with someone and actually turning up on time because you didn’t forget about it! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH A CALENDAR! ANYTHING!

 

 

Stop Snapchatting*

 

Seriously, Snapchat means NO GOOD for the new, mature you. Stop sending nudes to that guy you slept with one time in 2015 and PLEASE stop posting drunk videos of you rapping along to Bad And Boujee.

 

*Exceptions include: Any work related shameless self-promotion, scenic holiday pics, photos of your brunch.

 

Get Out Of Bed Before Lunchtime

 

The morning is a glorious time full of motivation and the smell of raisin toast. Now I’m not saying get up and go for a 5K run before the sun is up (although huge respect if that is you) but it’s nice to wake up a little earlier than usual and actually get something done. It could be anything: go for a walk, write something, do the washing, eat breakfast for once. See also: go to brunch.

 

Once you’ve mastered the art of getting out of bed before lunchtime instead of just binge watching funny Youtube videos in bed all morning, you can then advance to getting out of bed before breakfast. Fear not night-owls, this may sound terrifying but is actually a lot like staying up late. It’s peaceful, involves less rush than during the day and there’s barely anything to distract you because your friends are probably still in hibernating in a 500-thread-count cocoon of warmth. Accomplishing things before lunchtime is 110 per cent more satisfying than any other time of day and I’ll defend that until I die.

 

 

 

Leave Your Comfort Zone

 

The weirdest part of growing up is leaving that warm, hopeful place we call “childhood” for the scary, cold place we call “being an independent adult who has to fend for themselves.” Why not beat the system and throw yourself into the deep end? Learn a new language, start a business, safely throw yourself off a cliff etc. Sure it may feel weird at first but chances are you’ll end up walking away with a heap of new skills and a new-found confidence that shows you’re ready for whatever life throws at you.

 

 

 

 

 

Debbie would like to credit all her past and future successes in life to cheap wine and good albums. She has an overpriced journalism degree which she uses to mainly write about music but also everyday life and general smut. You can send her your favourite bands and brunch spots here @debbieecarr. You can also check out her online portfolio here.

 

 

 

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