How to break up with someone like a decent human

May 25, 2017

No one likes having to break up with someone, it's just the worst, especially if they're a sweet human. It's up there with having to tell your best friend that you 'accidentally' fucked their ex or getting a pap smear, very unpleasant. However, there are certain ways that you can go about it without being a huge dick. You're just an honest person doing a shitty thing.

 

 

It ain’t easy but heck, life ain't easy, so just suck it up and get on with it. We've complied a check list of 'nice' ways to break it off with someone. You should probably print this out and take along with you to your next break up. We're here to help after all.

 

Be honest

 

Be honest with yourself and with your future ex. Don’t be one of those people who beat around ya dick. Get to the point and rip that bandaid off.

 

Do it in person

 

Don’t text 'em. Don’t call 'em. Don’t tweet 'em. Don’t change your relationship status on Facebook. Do it in person. Have the balls (real or metaphorical, depending on your gender) to be an adult for at least 5 minutes. Now that you’re in person, make sure you're in a private setting. Do you know how awkies it can get when the person across from you bursts into tears in public?

 

 

 

Don’t be too harsh

 

“You’re fucking annoying” is kinda a dick thing to say to someone, so stick to using “I” statements instead of blaming the other person. Perhaps this could be reworded to something like “I really need my space right now” or "I really think that you're fucking annoying."

 

Don’t suggest to be friends

 

I'm of the opinion that you can't be 'just friends' with someone who has stuck one of their fingers in your butt. You’ve both got enough friends who haven’t been in or around your arsehole so maybe avoid this suggestion altogether. Plus, telling an emotional wreck of a human being that you want to be their friends is the emotional equivalent of tripping them down the stairs and laughing as you watch their battered and bruised body flopping to its pending death.

 

Don't do it on a post-it

 

Sex and the City, Berger, 2003, Season 6, episode 7. Need I say more?

 

 

 

Appreciate the positive aka the good times

 

It’s been a fun ride. You don’t regret any of it but you’ve just come to a point where you’ve realised you want to snuggle other people in winter or better yet have the whole fucking bed to yourself for once. Bliss.

 

Break up sex?

 

You both have to be mentality prepared for this. It has to be pure 'un-attached' hate sex. No mixed signals. Just one last time to see each other’s genitals. Probably not a good idea if a messy breakup came prior. Especially if one party is in tears and the other is asking “so does this mean we can’t chop anymore?” *eye roll*

 

Fair thee well. I wish you all the best, now I'm off to go ride some fresh dick. Peace!

 

 

 

 

Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking. You can lurk her @amber_melisse.

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