We live in the digital age. I have a better relationship with my phone than I do with most people in my life. Phones help us to do everything: eat, stalk, access our money, vibrate when lonely. It’s undeniable that a high percentage of us twenty-somethings have used our phones once or twice on the quest for love (or a free meal/sex. Do what you want). Even if it was just “a joke” or something your drunk “friend” downloaded, most of our phones have seen the infamous red flame; Tinder.
Amongst the one night stands, ghosting, awkward dinners, blatant insults and high-key devastation, the unthinkable might happen. You might meet someone that you actually like. Now you’re in the shit. Their profile may have read “Happy to lie about where we met lol” but what’s that lie going to be? How will any of your friends not judge you using an app (that they all use) for its actual purpose!? The idea! The nerve. But don’t fret. Mama is here. Here are some suggestions (lies) that you can tell people when they ask “how did you two meet?” because how dare you find someone on an accessible and convenient online platform.
I met them at Bikram yoga
Bikram yoga is the perfect place to “meet” your match - actually don't say match, that could be suspicious. Nothing says luxurious athleisure loving millennial queen more than spending your time in a hot box of stranger’s sweat. Sweat trumps swipes.
What could be cuter than being able to tell your friends that you met the love of life in downward-facing dog? Yes, like me, the last time you wore yoga clothing was to eat pizza alone and explore the endless possibilities of Tumblr porn, but that doesn't matter. Tell them that you and your new lover accidentally took each others sweat towels. Better yet, just say you passed the fuck out mid way through saluting the sun and they caught you. They even shared their organic kombucha with you and helped to realign your chakras. If anyone asks which yoga studio you went to, just say, “Oh that new one next to that new quinoa joint.” No one will actually bother chasing up quinoa, so you’re safe.
At a General Pants warehouse sale
This is a good one because there are different ways you can go about. Options are essential when lying to those closest to you. Maybe tell your friends that you were so intimidated by how attractive and friendly the staff were you both hid behind the same rack of $98 denim corsets. While avoiding the staff’s offensive comments such as: “Hey bud, cool socks” or “Y’a right babe”, you got chatting about your views on the world. You fell in deep love right there, while a tween tried to steal a burlap crop top. Or maybe tell Mum and Dad that as you rifled through the bin of distressed baseball caps, your hands touched as you both reached for the only hat that was wasn't about brunch or glamourising mental illness.
I was hesitant to include this as I worried it was too over used, but clichés are rooted in reality so I’m suggesting it. This is a classic. The tried and true ‘private investigator falls in love with the suspect’ lie. Tell Grandma and Grandpa a third party hired a P.I to follow your every move. Say it had something to do with insurance fraud and get into the specifics later. While the trench coat wearing detective rifled through your garbage, they realised you shared a love for nads wax strips and found the receipt for when you bought 3 copies of Mariah Carey’s smash hit film Glitter (that’s a fucking aphrodisiac and a half, let’s be real). Before you knew it, you and some dude in a fedora were an item. No apps involved, just 8-9 months of extensive observation, which is much less offensive.
All I have to say is, you’re welcome. Now you don’t have to worry about the outcome of people finding out you met the person you’re dating on a dating app. You dirty fucking harlot. Then again, where you met the person who makes you happy isn't really anyone’s fucking business. Unless it was at a cult meeting or a One Nation rally. Then I’d rethink your choices.
Daniel is a twenty something living in Sydney. He had to grow a beard so people would stop calling him "ma’am”. When he’s not panicking about bullshit and eating saturated fats, he can be found abusing filters @daniel_hayek.