Life Rego: when you can't even afford to fkn breathe

April 23, 2017

It's no newsflash that turning into an adult requires you to start paying for more stuff than you were previously used to having to pay for (read: absolutely fkn nothing). I think we're probably done listening to millennials complain about having to pay rent, feed themselves and pay their own phone bill. At least in my case, I've finally recovered from that shock. But what I can’t seem to get my head around is the costs that I must incur to simply continue to exist on this earth. I think of this as having to pay a life rego.

 

 

Just like a good, solid car (1993 model), I started out running pretty smoothly. I never got into any prangs, I was a safe little driver and when I was nimble, fresh and young I wasn’t as likely to need regular check-ups, if I did it was usually just to change my oil, clean out my wipers and then I was ready and raring to go.

 

These days, there will be a specific time of year that rolls around and that will require me to fork out thousands of dollars to change my timing belt (get a custom-made teeth plate to wear in my sleep at night) and install new tyres (invest in sensible shoes to avoid chronic back pain). I have to let myself get poked, prodded and re-fuelled just so I can drive (have sex) safely and some people won't even let me touch their baby unless I've paid someone to inject A VIRUS into my veins. Rude, right? All I want to do is hold your god damn baby without any financial detriment.

 

Next thing you know, they'll want us to start paying a breathing tax. Like, uh, can I live? Apparently not, unless I pay both my dues and medical bills.

 

You'd think, being the smart, sensible and well-adjusted generation that we are, that we would make financial sacrifices in order to prioritise our health and wellbeing. It is, after all, the thing that allows us to do fun human things like pumping blood to our brain, blinking, and ~zenning out~ at Coachella, but for some reason I'm constantly finding myself wearing new and slightly expensive jewellery whilst staring at 4-6 post-it notes plastered on my bedroom wall saying things like: 'Book dentist appointment to get those weird holes in your teeth fixed' and 'ask dad why your car keeps making that crunching noise.'

 

As if merely continuing to exist wasn't costly enough, we've also got to consider the exterior aesthetics too. People aren't driving around without rims on their wheels (designer glasses), a good paint job (a fake tan) and alloy wheels...honestly, I don't really know what they are to be able to draw a comparison. 

 

Sometimes, I'll find myself pondering the question: should I fuel my body with wholesome food this week or pay to have someone painfully remove every inch of hair from my body? 

 

I'm still alive and kicking for now, but I might be on borrowed time if I continue to avoid going to the doctor/dentist/specialist and I guess, being that I belong to the privileged percentage of society, I should stop being a whiny piece of shit and just cough up the funds to have someone invade my body and tell me that it's all going to be okay.

 

 

 

Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and enjoys eating tea and toast in bed. You can lurk her @katiepotatierose.

 

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