Thanks to T-Swizzle and her pack of model BFFs, last year was all about the “squad” (#squadgoals). I can’t say that I'm too disappointed that the “squad” is dying off, because I’m more a “Friend Family” kind of guy. My friends are a second family to me, we’re so fucking legit we could compete on Family Feud. With this growing friendship phenomenon, it seems the focus is always on the “mother”.
It of course makes sense; they are an integral part of the social circle because they always have hand sanitizer and you’re always getting yourself into a ‘sticky’ situation. For a while, I assumed my role would be the mum because I love French tipped nails and look fucking sick in capri pants from Millers. But upon further examination, I realised I am more the “spinster aunty” of the fam.
Here are three signs that you too may be the “eccentric” (bat shit crazy) aunty of your friend group.
1. You’re always starting a new chapter.
My friends are angels. Whenever we catch up, I watch them patiently exhale as they prepare themselves for whatever new trendy lifestyle choice I’ve picked up on.
It’s not rare for me to start a conversation with, “Remember I told you how I was going to get hypnotised to stop eating? Well, that’s dead and gone. I’m all about Gayleo™. It’s like paleo, but you replace every second meal with dick.”
Us aunts are always “starting on Monday” because we need the weekend to get over the shock of how young all of our co-workers are now. We may not always make the wisest decisions. Our solutions to problems can be found on websites such as www.midcenturymanifestationcrystallisationtwilightsaga.org.net. For example, over the weekend I was struggling to be productive. So I went to city and bought an $18 crystal that would help me manifest productivity. What else was I supposed to do? (JUST DO MY FUCKING WORK) I stand by my investment on the magic rock.
TOP TIP: If you find yourself needing to justify your decision making, be sure to start the debate with, “Can I stand in my truth?” Classic opener.
2. Every day is an opportunity for prince/princess/person charming.
Us aunties are always on the prowl. When getting ready for a night out, we apply each fake lash strip and wonder, “Is tonight the night I meet the one?” We force our friends to take endless photos of us so we have options for our Plenty of Fish profile. I once (allegedly) screamed at a friend, “I’m going to die alone if you don't find good lighting right now.” Allegedly.
Our search for a patient yet delicious business man doesn't stop there.
When you find yourself inevitably dancing in a bar alone to Darren Hayes’ smash hit Insatiable, you’ll use your fly new dance move “the head roll” to scope out a hubby/someone to hold you for an hour or so. (If you don’t know how to do the head roll, ask your niece/cool friend. She’s always at the discotheque. She’ll know).
Always remember, if your night is unsuccessful then just keep rebooking Uber trips until you get a driver who’s an eligible bachelor. Tell the driver all about your issues, that’s what we’re paying them for after all. They love it! (Consider desisting when they politely ask you to stop hitting on them because it’s making them “uncomfortable” and they are in a “relationship.”)
But we never lose faith, there’s always the work Christmas party.
3. Your advice is “versatile”
We all prefer different positions in life. Some give, some receive. I am of course referring to the art of advice giving. Us Aunts would be classified as “versatile.” We spring back and forth depending on our vibe. (By vibe I mean the status of our fragile and Jenga-like emotional state).
About two and a half wines in, we are literal spiritual leaders. We will bombard you with unsolicited advice, encouraging you to manifest positivity and take fashion risks like we did in the good old days. (Did you know your Aunty Daniel used to wear dance costumes as street wear? Legit. Fashion is all about pushing boundaries.)
Then after a few more glasses, we make the switch. The tipsy advice giver is suddenly replaced with a blubbering mess, foaming at the mouth and unloading every possible emotional burden.
“Is there something wrong with me? Is it my tinder profile? Or is it… *takes a gulp of someone else’s drink* BOTH?!”
When you take us out, there is no telling what you will get. But mystery is sexy, so we’re going with it.
If this sounds like you, don’t worry! We are a crucial part of the friend family tree. Whether we’re commenting on how quickly your breasts are developing, or saying, “C’mon darling, give us a kiss.” At the end of the day, people like knowing that when we come over, there is no telling when we will fuck off. Always remember, we are doing just fine. We are fun and love clip-on earrings. We are so fine. I’m telling you, fine. Seriously, sooooo fine. C’mon, dance with your Aunty! *Reaches for someone else’s wine.*
Daniel is a twenty something living in Sydney. He had to grow a beard so people would stop calling him "ma’am”. When he’s not panicking about bullshit and eating saturated fats, he can be found abusing filters @daniel_hayek.