Ergh, another article about the perils of being single, you say? Haven't we heard enough from you single people? Haven't you all either got married or died off yet? No, we haven't. We are alive and well thank you very much, but I'm not here to whinge about the emotional effects associated with being a single person and having to walk this green earth whilst holding your own hand; I'm here to whinge about how fucking expensive it is to be single in this day and age.
Let's be real here, you're probably a single person too because if you were in a relationship you'd be busy being sucked inside a Snuggie right now with your Significant Other while you plait their hair and/or pop their blackheads - Idk what you couples get up to these days - but the fact that you're reading this means you're probably single too, or maybe your Significant Other is on the toilet.
If you are single, what else have you got to do right now, anyway? Eat a whole tub of hummus and masturbate to the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack? That can wait.
Here are my main financial gripes associated with being a single woman in 2017:
All I ever want is to come home after a long, hard day at work, take off my bra and order food from the internet (to be delivered by a hot Swedish hunk of fun). Every single time I will twirl myself into a state of excitement, flicking through the myriad of options: thai, burgers, curry, Italian - the possibilities are endless! Finally, I'll settle on Mexican, a burrito is just what I feel like. After adding guacamole and removing the cheese, on account of my dairy intolerance, I click the magic button and prepare to sacrifice a quarter of my day's wage on a single meal.
It's only at this point that I remember about the fucking minimum order policy. FFS Deliveroo. I can either buy a shit tonne of mineral water or another burrito. I am just one person, I don't need two fucking burritos and I am beyond the point of believing myself when I say, "I'll just have the other one for lunch."
I wonder if I can sue Deliveroo for discrimination. Single people deserve responsible portions too!
A friend of mine recently told me that she couldn't keep up with my "single girl stamina" when it came to hitting the wines. I must admit, I was a little put off by this comment and immediately filled with defensive shots; locked, loaded and ready to fire. Then, after I had imagined shooting my metaphorical gun into the air, hollering "yee-haa" like a drunk cow-girl, I saw her place her hand on her boyfriend's knee, a subtle way for couples to say to each other: "Hey, I'm still here sitting next to you and I'm going to have sex with you later tonight."
Why get wasted when you've got a sure thing planted next to you? Especially if you're a dude. Getting sideways would be ill advised if you've already secured your lifelong sex friend because all you'd get from that situation is a soft dick and a headache.
So, I guess this whole "single person stamina" thing is legitimate. I often drink more, thus spend more, in order to cope with the fact that I might have to throw myself into a cage of sweaty, sloppy animals in order to fornicate, whereas she can easily settle on a few 'cheeky drinks' followed by a respectful/familiar sexual experience. Sad thing is, I'm still going to end up with a headache and someone else's soft dick.
I'm of the opinion that you should have to pay more not less if you're sharing your bedroom with someone that you love. You're getting a roof over your head, a place to store all of your shit and someone who wants to do sex with you on a tri-weekly basis. That's the bloody jackpot if you ask me, and yet these people are still only forking out a few measly dollars each week towards rent. I'm not bitter, I swear, I'm just poor.
I'm forgoing a third of my weekly wages in order to sit in my shoe-box sized room and wait for a boy that I've never met to text me back. Surely I should be getting paid to have to wake up every morning and endure that shit. I 100% believe that my housemate brought her boyfriend with her from Canberra just so she could afford to live in Sydney. Why wouldn't you?
"Sad thing is, I'm still going to end up with a headache and someone else's soft dick."
NOT having a baby...
It's expensive to not get pregnant these days. You've got to pay for so many things that stick up, in or around you in order to penetrate without fear of birthing another human into this world. I didn't know that this was a thing, but apparently some couples split the cost of certain birth control items like the pill. Don't buy me flowers babe, please pay for someone to stick a piece of copper wire into my vagina instead. How fucking adorable. No, actually, that's super nice and up until now I didn't realise how fucked it is that most of those costs are expected to be coughed up by the woman of the relationship.
So yeah, another financial fuck around of being single is having to pay for all this crap yourself. These days you're lucky if your one-nighter has even got a Band-Aid to stick over his peen-hole, let alone a functioning condom. I guess the thing to focus on here is the fact that it would cost around $50,000 in initial set up costs to have a baby. That's so many burritos. I think I'll secure the condom with super glue next time after learning that fact.
"Don't buy me flowers babe, please pay for someone to stick a piece of copper wire into my vagina instead. How fucking adorable."
Buying gifts for people...
My favourite time to receive gifts was definitely from the ages of 3-10 because you knew that each of your friends that you invited to your party would buy you a gift and their parents would have paid for that gift, so you usually got something pretty fuckin' awesome. These days, your acquaintances won't buy you gifts when they come to your birthday party. Hell, you'll be lucky if they don't vomit on your your duvet.
You can only rely on your close friends to buy you gifts in your adulthood and the second two of them decide to be "an item" you can kiss goodbye to receiving two gifts at your next special gathering because they'll start doing combined gifts before they've even had sex with each other... purely for cost saving purposes. Cunning little bastards.
What I'm trying to say with this article is that I'm in the market for a boyfriend atm; not because I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable or lonely, but just because I want to split the cost of my next Mexican pig-out. I also wouldn't mind splitting the shame, if you're up for it?
Image: Alex Jack Photography
Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She likes toast and tea in bed, collecting grocery lists and people that give her firm, reassuring hugs. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and can be lurked at @katiepotatierose.