Love it or hate it, Valentines is here and whether you’re planning on celebrating or not you hardly need an excuse to get a little adventurous in the bedroom, right? Whether you’re a single pringle or all loved up, why not take a little peak at our NSFW hyperlinks below for a little sex-piration to get you and your partner (battery operated welcome) going.
We’ve all heard of the main kinks and quirks… bondage, S&M, feet…yawn. What about some of the more obscure fantasies?
Below is just a small list of just a couple of ways to spice things up this V-Day, the perfect combination of weird and seriously weird as fuck, none of which are safe for work.
The fetish season, I mean, festive* season is a sexy time of year, good food, wine, presents… a super sexy bearded man sneaking into our house… wait, what?
Possibly the most disconcerting fetish I stumbled across researching this article was that of Old Saint Nick, the big man… a name which now has some weird AF connotations. Apparently lots of people get pretty excited at the idea of the big man sneaking into their bedrooms at night. A “Santasy” if you will…
So what exactly gets these Chrismaphiliacs so hot and heavy? Everything. Tinsel? Yup. Candles? Yup. Christmas trees? You betcha.
I’ve basically just ruined next Christmas, (or made it a whole lot better). You’re reconsidering your entire Christmas decor and rethinking all those candles and sparkly objects hanging around, and thinking you’ll just buy everyone a nice pair of socks and maybe a hanky or two. Surely hankies aren’t that sexy… right?
So the hanky fetish comes more under the guise of a sneeze fetish and steams from the allure of the feeling, and enjoyment watching the building and release of pressure. Though after having a peep through the sneezefetishforum.org it seems that many of the members are quite keen on receiving hankies… the more used the better.
And on that note…
Just like it’s less kinky and, certainly more common cousin Cunnilingus, Nasolingus is the act of sucking and licking… someone’s nose. Most commonly during sex and sometimes involving eating the mucus, it’s often involved in sub and dom relationships where the dominant would force the sub to eat their, ah… nose candies. Nope. Using the word candy there did not make that any more appealing. Imma just stick to the vanilla version of “lingus”.
While the sound of straining latex awaiting the inevitable explosion terrifies this writer, apparently similar to the sneeze fetish its just that building tension that gets some people going.
This one I can’t possibly get on board with.
While there’s a whole fetish devoted to farting alone, apparently that’s not quite niche enough for some fetishists. Cake farts is pretty straightforward as far as fetishes goes, as the name would suggest a woman sits on a cake… and lets one rip.
Seems like a waste of a good cake to me.
Thinking of buying your boo a furry friend this V-Day? They might just enjoy it more than you think…
Teddy bear attraction is a subsection of the community known as Furries or Yiffing (Yiffing being the sexualised version of the Furry culture) in which the members dress up in animal costumes and create a new animal identity for themselves. Naturally some of these members enjoy having sex in their costumes, and many develop certain fetish-y feelings towards furry inanimate friends, with some actually modifying their “friends” for better sexual enjoyment.
ASMR or “Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response’ isn’t an inherently sexual experience, but type “erotic” in front of it and things get kinky pretty fast.
Not as straightforward as the ol’ Cake Fart fetish, ASMR is the excitement from the combination of acoustic and visual stimuli, often something as simple as the sound of fizzy drink being poured. As the name suggests, Erotic ASMR is more sexualised, however some followers of the movement suggest that it is moving away from the original intimacy intended.
Fans of Erotic ASMR say the movement is about the intimacy and relaxation of hearing a woman kiss, breathe or whisper sweet nothings into a microphone and dislike many of the newer kinkier subsections of the movement.
Sexual preferences vary from person to person, so whether you’re now imagining warming up Santa’s most southern pole, keen to watch a woman laughing alone with some salad or pretty happy to stick to plain old vanilla sex, it’s all normal guys and girls! Sexual enjoyment is highly personal so be it vanilla or some concoction from Cold-Rock enjoy all of my kinkiest suggestions and go get yo freak on!
Anna Wall is a self-confessed hedonist and self-appointed travel expert. She drinks coffee until its appropriate to move on to wine and believes that there is nothing more satisfying in life than good wine and a good book. She's scared of balloons, the dark and of growing up.