Dear Mosquito...can I call you Mo?
Look Mo, I don't know what I've done to piss you off, but it seems that we have gotten off on the wrong foot. Maybe you heard me describe you as a "disease-ridden fucko from the pits of hell's basement" that one time or maybe it's just the casual can of Aeroguard permanently living on my mantlepiece that's bugging you, whatever the reason is you're obviously upset about something, otherwise why would you spend hours of your evening buzzing around in my fucking ear. You could be sleeping, we both could be sleeping, but instead you decide to keep me awake with your sporadic dips into my lobe throughout the entire night. You're bringing me to the precipice of patience.
If we're going to co-exist together in this room then it's important that we clear the air. Mo, can I be frank with you? I think you've got some serious issues. Firstly, if you've got a problem with me then why not just be up front and tell me about it? Or at least send me a passive aggressive Facebook message, but to say nothing all day (I know you've been home) and then choose to emerge from the shadows right as I'm about to enter the deepest phase of sleep, that's just truly awful, immature behaviour.
Secondly, I literally douse myself in poison every night in an attempt to rid myself of your buzzing. Don't you think that is punishment enough? If you're pissed because you're constantly having a brush with death at the clap of my hands, then JUST DON'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I'm not going to go hunting for you. I don't care if you hang outside on a damp leaf or congregate with your buddies around my leaky tap, just leave me out of your life. Haven't you heard the expression 'let sleeping dogs lie?' I am a dog, let me lie, or I will come at you, palms swinging, and end your poor excuse of a life.
Sorry...threats aren't going to get us anywhere, I know. I'm just functioning poorly due to a measly 4 hours of sleep.
Finally, I'm always worried about dying so while you think you're just giving me a cheeky nibble on the butt to teach me a lesson for being a nasty bitch, you're actually riddling me with anxiety about: malaria, dengue, West Nile virus, chikungunya, yellow fever, filariasis, Japanese encephalitis, Saint Louis encephalitis, Western equine encephalitis, Eastern equine encephalitis, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, La Crosse encephalitis and Zika fever, and I don't think this is your intention Mo.
I'm hoping I can appeal to your heart here, because I know you have one buried deep inside you, for the sake of my sanity and the clarity of my bloodstream, please leave me the fuck alone. It's not you, it's me. I'm just not interested in making any new friends right now and I think we come from two different worlds. I hope you understand and maybe one day we can be friends but for now, just stay out there and I'll stay in here; comfortably nestled in bed and sleeping soundly.
Kate Neilson is a list-maker and a booty-shaker. She likes avo on toast (because she never wants to own property) and gin and tonics (because she is a psychopath). She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and can be lurked @katie93rose.