Welcome to the pasty people club. We are mildly exclusive and you can only sit with us if you’re pasty AF and burn to a crisp at the mere thought of entering the sun’s smouldering gaze (you can also only sit with us if it’s in the shade).
Most of the year we can function like normal non-pale folk but come December – as the days become longer and hotter – leaving the house can be a torturous experience. It’s a damn struggle to know if you should just face the music and go outside, slathered in SPF50 and a rashie, or if you should stay inside and look at memes all day.
Inside is your safe place. Night time is your safe place. Under your doona is your safe place. But you shouldn’t have to miss out on all the Summer time fun that everyone is always going on about, should you?
So here are a few pale-friendly options to get you through the next three months. Good luck guys, she’s going to be a hot one.
This one will only work if it’s late afternoon/early evening. At any other time of the day DO NOT attempt this activity, holy-hell, I beg of you. Aim for that lovely time when it’s still light but it doesn’t feel like you’re sitting inside an oven.
Grab your friends (preferably pale ones), a bottle of bubbly paired with some delicious cheese and crackers and you’re good to go! If you’re Morticia Addams pale it’s always best to sit under a tree, even if it’s not sunny. Nobody deserves that feeling of wearing a bra or tight shirt with an awful sunburnt chest. Nobody.
Drive in Movie
Ahhh night time, the favourite time of day for us pale kids. If you haven’t been to a drive in cinema since you were a kid, then this summer is the time to go! They are the ultimate way to see a movie without having to sit in a stuffy cinema with people coughing or sneezing, spreading their diseases into your popcorn (you know who you are).
If drive-ins aren’t your thing, you could always opt for an outdoor cinema, just as pale-people-approved and the snacks are amazing. They even have themes, such as retro or thriller night, so why not get dressed up for the occasion?
Aw, so romantic. Hopefully your significant other is a fellow pasty person so you can enjoy this experience together. If you’re flying solo in the land of love then spend the evening stargazing with your friends or even on your own, nothing like a little time with just you and good old Mother Nature.
Make sure to bring a comfy blanket so you can lay there for hours. On a clear night, away from light pollution, you might even be able to see a few shooting stars. Just don’t bring one of those people who thinks they know everything about the galaxy, they’re annoying AF. STOP POINTING OUT THE SAUCEPAN MATE, I’VE SEEN IT EVERY DAY SINCE I WAS ABOUT FIVE.
Now, if you happen to be a pale person who loves a good book you could totally spend your summer lazing about in a hammock reading novel after novel. What’s wrong with that? Absolutely nothing! It’s a great way to spend a Sunday and requires no physical effort (bonus!).
Reserve the book-athon for a particularly hot week where all your friends are relentlessly nagging you to just “get some sun”. Some people will never understand the pain we go through just to hang out our washing. Leave us in peace, please!
So venture out my pasty amigos! Leave the comfort of your shaded home and enjoy yourself this summer. There are so many activities you can do without constantly thinking: “will this leave me in a pool of peeling skin and Aloe Vera baths for a week?” Also, always remember to slip, slop, slap and slurp…the slurping part is for alcohol. You’re going to need to be drunk to get over the severe FOMO of missing out on endless camping and beach adventures.
Image: Gem van Heyst
Alessandra Melville is a twenty-something dreamer and writer. She blogs at The Daily Mouthful.