You’re standing by the water cooler at work, Linda from 'accounts' is talking about how Leonardo Dicaprio is doing a world of good for climate change with his new documentary. You’re looking at Linda. You’re nodding, agreeing with Linda. You’re hoping she doesn’t ask you any questions because you’re thinking about that time Rose let Jack go on the Titanic and how you would never do that to Leo.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, she’s asked a question. Say something, don’t just stare blankly. Ok it’s awkward now. Too much time has passed. Linda’s face is still there. Why is she still there? You muster up the courage and say “I heard Barry’s new dog did a big, wet shit on his pillow, last night. Isn't that nasty?"
WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? You done fucked up.
We have all been in situations where we know didly-bloody-squat about certain topics. You try and stay silent and just agree but the real test is what happens when some form of verbal response is required. It's tricky stuff. Our brains are full of Facebook updates and memes, we haven't got room for everything in there.
We have come up with the top 5 tips on how to avoid being a twat waffle and pleasantly glaze your way through the field of bullshit, coming out on top.
Wikipedia up in this bitch! We literally have the world at our fingertips, anything can be researched within 10 minutes. Obviously, you’ll need read past the heading, throw in a few stats and even refer to an author – Bob’s your bloody uncle and Fanny’s your aunt!
Use big words with an authoritative tone
In order to be believable, you need to sound believable. Confidence is key. You need to embrace your inner liar and really pull out all the bullshit stops here. Don’t speak too fast, speak confidently and maybe even use a word you’ve never heard of (if you’re feeling ballsy, just make one up and go with it). Flipendo?
Eyes & teeth
There’s a fine line between a socially acceptable amount of eye contact and eye fucking someone. Find the middle ground. People often believe that eye contact is a sign of telling the truth. So if you’re lying, eyeball the shit out of them but don’t be weird. Just like your eyeballs, your teeth can lend a hand as well. Having a smile on your dial means you’re open and welcoming. Open and welcoming to all the bullshit that’s spilling from your facial orifice.
The art of language
If you’ve got a second language up your sleeve, this will work you wonders. Just start speaking in Chinese really fast. If nobody understands what you’re saying, how will they ever know you have no clue either. Although, probs best not to do this in an online format. Google translate is a thing these days.
The best way to avoid people discovering that you've got no fucking idea, is to constantly ask them a bunch of questions about whatever they are talking about. You'll inflate their ego, because they'll love that they are educating you and eventually they'll get terrivle dry mouth and will have to stop for a drink, that's when you politely GTFO.
If all else fails, listen and agree with everything they say. Imitation is a form of flattery, isn’t it? Again, don’t be weird. If Linda from accounts is hovering over you at your desk and leans in to take over your mouse, do not place your hand over hers. That's only going to confuse the poor woman. Now get to a mirror and practice your miming.
Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.