There's nothing worse than having stone cold, silent sex.
There are orifices being penetrated - front, back or facial - and all you can hear is the wet, slippery slapping of flesh on flesh. You've gotta chuck in a few moans and groans for good measure of course, but even that can seem a little too much after five minutes or so.
Sure, you can put some music on and let the soothing tones of Norah Jones or Chet Faker fill the spaces between your naked, entwined limbs but even Norah can get a little...blergh...after a while.
Sometimes, you've just got to get talking and if you don't know what to say it can be pretty fucking awkward. We're not masters in the art of dirty talk by any means, but we're here to help as much as we can, mumbling away alongside you.
Tell them that they taste good
This one is a nice and simple way to ease yourself into a filthy conversation. Maybe you're kissing or licking their bod (or somewhere a little more private)? Either way, it feels nice to hear that you taste good and puts any concerns that you might have at ease.
If you're performing the gobby of the 2000’s aka ‘rimming’ (i.e. - licking their butt hole), maybe don't tell them that they taste good because chances are it doesn't taste that good and they'll know that you're lying, or worse, they'll think you're into the taste of their butt sweat.
Talk about what you're going to do to them
Seems a little obvious, doesn't it? Telling the person that you're lying naked in bed with that you're going to fuck them in a minute...like, I hope so, that's what I came here for! If you can keep your panties on for an extra little bit, it can actually be super hot to hit the pause button on your sexual hump-a-thon and just spend some time outlining your plans for the next 30-45 minutes (if you’re lucky).
If, like me, you enjoy a good check list, then make a mental one in your head and relay it to your sexual subject in soft, hushed tones. They'll love it. Also, it gives you the opportunity to suss out what they're into sexually. For example, if you whisper: "I'm going to stick a carrot up your bum," in a slightly muffled tone, and they're like, "What the fuck! What did you just say?" then you can quickly fix things by saying: "I think I just felt a carrot crumb. Sometimes I eat in bed... But let's get back to our tender and respectful love making now.” Genius.
Similar to above. Talking about stuff that you've done before can be a good way to get someone hot and heavy. You could say, "remember that time when you did this..." or "remember how good it was when we tried..." Taking a trip down memory lane is a sure fire way to cream in your jeans.
If you've just met this person you could try something like: "I knew I wanted to go home with you the second you walked into the room," or you could always be honest and say, "you were the last semi-decent looking human left and I was feeling lonely and horny," it's an unbeatable combo.
No. Just don't. It's fucked and weird and if you ever spout this nonsense while you're inside me I will eject you from my body so fast that you will sky-rocket out of the ceiling and all the way back to your mother's womb which is the only place where that kinda shit is okay.
While you're doing it
Dirty talk during the deed is all about stating the obvious: you're so hard, I'm so wet, you're fucking me so hard, that's so good. Chuck in a few "yes" "more" "harder" "don't stop" and you're good to go. It really is the ultimate in coital conversing. You're welcum and cum well.
Kate Neilson is the creator of Twenty Something Humans. She likes toast in bed and lime in gin. She feels weird writing about herself in third person. She can be lurked at @katiepotatierose.