*Disclaimer: This is from the perspective of a heterosexual female, so we’re having a dig at dudes here. Women can be douchebags too, we know. It’s a human nature thing…but today we are airing out our male grievances, so just be okay with that.
We’re told time and time again that we only get out what we put into the world, but I don’t remember ever asking the universe to send a bunch of arseholes my way (not literally of course, I don’t have a bunch of literal arseholes flying towards me – imagine).
There is an underlying curiosity in us all. We know the pan is hot, yet we still want to touch it, and date it, and have sex with it, and hope we can change it for the better. If only we knew then what we know now.
“So here’s to guys who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky bastards that get to meet us!” – Sex & the City
Sometimes there are a few dud dates that you’ll learn something from: maybe you’re not into redheads, magicians might freak you out, lawyers aren’t your flavor. Then there are those who you probably shouldn’t have gone near in the first place…
The Secretive Type
We all know someone who places their phone face down, on silent when they takes us out to dinner. This same type tells us we’re the only person they’re seeing, yet they won’t invite you to meet any of their friends.
At first, it can be mysterious and the chase is hot because you never know how they’re going to respond to your texts (or if they will at all). It feels like days go by before you hear from them, usually because they actually take a fucking week to get back to you, dicks.
If you don’t know their surname, they are probably married with kids, their spouse is waiting for them to return home, smelling like a baby prostitute.
The Gym Junkie
Oh, how could we forget, it’s shred-fucking-tember, like it always is. We usually date these protein eating, farting, belching douchecannons because they’re hot. Yes, they work hard, but they work hard for themselves.
They work hard so they can picture themselves fucking while you’re in the spread eagle. They may have the body of a Greek Adonis but perhaps set a reminder for the next time you swipe right on a Gym Junkie. His dick is the size of a baby Frankfurt because his body is filled with steroids, proey shakes and chicken pumped with more steroids. What’s that going to do for you? Absolutely fucking nothing.
The Party Goer
You met them on the stairs at da club. They seemed really nice and you exchange numbers because true love can be found amongst loud music, sticky floors and drunk twelvies, right? (This was your first mistake).
Then you don’t hear from them for a few days. TBH they’re probably been bendering off their chops until 10am again. The party just doesn’t stop. Party kids are fun but that’s about it. The sex will probably be good, but don’t expect a round two.
Sometimes we don’t feel like snorting coke from your cock, okay? Sometimes, we would like a nice bloody dinner. A nice civil evening with some candles and wine, is that too much to ask?
The Mummy’s Boy
They’re 35, living at home with mum, with no plans to move out anytime soon. Dinner is always ready on the table when they come home from work after a long day of doing nothing that really contributes to societies wellbeing (poor pet) and they lay at night in a single bed, furiously masturbating into their Pokémon laden sheets.
Let’s be frank, how a fella treats his old lady gives us a good indication of how he treats most women. So, if the child can’t do anything without his poor mother, then he needs to GTFO of your life. Get the fuck out. You will become his new mother. His second mother. but you will never be number one. His mum will always be top dog, even when you’re both rubbing a foot each.
Sometimes you won’t notice these ones right away. You’ll get a little bit of lady wood in your knickers because you might initially be slightly attracted to the cockiness and confidence that they bring to the dinner table. You know, the kind of confidence that kind of makes you want to hate him, but you can’t because he’s charming and relatively good looking.
Then they start making ‘jokes’ about women having their place in the world and then you really just want to sit on their face – in an attempt to suffocate them with your vagina…just like the one that brought this misogynistic arse into the world in the first place!
What’ll really tip you over the edge though is when they openly flirt with other people in front of you to try and assert some power and make you jealous. Just walk away, you ain’t even got time to think about trying to deal with that.
So there you have it. Life lessons in picking your life partner. Try and make good decisions people, after all, you’ve probably made most of the bad decisions already, haven’t you?
Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.