“I want to be coked up and have sex with shitty boys”

October 2, 2016

“To give you the trailer of my life, I’ve been doing a lot of coke, having sexy times with a lot of shit boys and working in a pub.”

 

“My life is a disaster but I love it.”

 

 This is how my friend Ana* responded when I asked how she was doing. She recently moved overseas and by the sounds of it she’s living each day on the absolute precipice of existence. Well, at least when you compare it with my life trailer which consists of cold cups on tea by my bedside and a pair of socks that look like two dogs (my woofie socks).

 

 

“All of our lives are disasters,” I responded.

 

“Please…your life is so together it kills me.” I could feel her tone through the screen. I imagined that she was craving a dose of sensibility, a stable foundation to fold her underwear on. For me, I was craving her plump experiences, her go-getting thirst for adventure and youthful mayhem.

 

“I want to be coked up and have sex with shitty boys.”

 

I’m 23 and constantly living in fear of my looming death. Not in a morbid sense, but I am extremely aware of how quickly it all flashes by. I know that I could wake up tomorrow and be fifty fucking five. What then?

 

While it may be okay to be aware of ones pending doom, if you spend your entire youth worry about being old, one day you will just be old. Part of me is super okay with the fact that I’m working full time, getting plenty of sleep and bettering my mind with a good book before bed and the other half of me is like, Dude, you should be getting fucked up on MDMA rn, grinding away on a slippery stranger who you may or may not have sex with later that evening. When will you ever have the chance to do that again in your life?

 

Idk. Inner voice. Idk.

 

While people are constantly telling me how young I am and how much more I have to experience, my brain is like: You might die tomorrow and you haven’t’ even tried Heroin before. I know I'd probably  die from the heroin, but I get the sentiment that my inner voice is trying to convey.

 

Don’t worry family, friends, well wishing strangers, I’m not actually interested in doing Heroin, but metaphorically I want to do all the Heroin in the world. Metaphorically, I want to stick those needles into my veins and soak up all of the life-heroin that ever did exist. I want life track-marks but I also kind of want to be in bed by nine.

 

One day I could wake up, married with kids, and the most interesting story I’ll be able to tell them is about that time that I threw up into a random letterbox, and that’s not going to impress a child, they throw up all the fucking time!

 

My inner voice is telling me that I should be trying to fuck my body up as much as I can while I’m young, because I’ll be able to bounce back faster. I want to destroy my lungs with a cigarette addiction, poison my brain with pills and bitch slap my liver with bottles of wine because there is something appealing about pushing yourself to your absolute limit and then pairing it back just in time to save your vital organs from ultimate destruction. I don’t want to do this, but I kind of do.

 

The pressure of your twenties is terribly overwhelming at times. You’re expected to be doing all of these wild and unhealthy things in order to establish your boundaries and experiences your adult infancy but the reality is that we also need to educate ourselves (whether that’s through a degree or work experience) which takes a bite of at least 2-3 years of your twenties, then we need to work pretty damn hard for another few years to fund all of the drugs and expensive rent that we choose to endure and before you know it, you’re fucking 35 and worried about how on earth you’re going to make it to 40.

 

"I want to destroy my lungs with a cigarette addiction, poison my brain with pills and bitch slap my liver with bottles of wine because there is something appealing about pushing yourself to your absolute limit and then pairing it back just in time to save your vital organs from ultimate destruction."

 

I want to live overseas, I want to make friends and lose them, I want to have sex on a historical land mark. I want to create experiences that extend beyond my 9-5 grind.

 

Maybe I will do all of these things. Maybe I will do some of them. Maybe I should just be okay with the fact that when I do any of these things I’ll probably be wearing my Woofie socks**. I guess that’s okay.

 

*Not her real name.

 

** Except when having sex because I think it’s really creepy when people leave their socks on during sex. It’s like…you’re inside me but you feel weird about letting our feet touch???

 

Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and she’s still figuring out what she wants to be when she grows up.

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