By Mark Mariano

June 1, 2016

To My First Crush,

Are you doing well? I know it’s only been a few days since I’ve seen you but I always make sure to check. If it weren’t for my friend, your girlfriend, then we wouldn’t be where we are now. That’s a good thing by the way. I’m happy knowing you’re happy, and I’m glad we’re still friends. Awkward friends, but good friends.

 

Things are so different now. Good different. But I can still remember that moment of realisation. It wasn’t this huge superfluous flash of light and music like they show it in movies. It was just… one second you were this quiet, shy boy in my class and the next you were the main character of the films that replayed in my brain and tugged at my heart.

Writing this letter is like running through time.

It feels like only last year you were bringing me bread from your parent’s bakery after I helped you with your assignment. We were up until 1am in the morning.  

It feels like only last month I was looking in every local Salvation Army for a Matchbox 20 album because you told me you liked Rob Thomas. I dropped it on your doorstep and ran away screaming.

I swear it was just last week when I dared you to sit next to the person you liked in the next period and then you sat next to me. I didn’t realise there was a seating chart. Oops.   

 

It feels like only yesterday I was crying my eyes out because you said no to going to the Year 10 formal with me. I don’t know what in the world convinced me that a boy going with another boy was okay at the time. I didn’t think. I did that a lot when it came to you.

 

I’ve never said it before but I’m sorry. The whole time I liked you I never once considered what it looked like to others on your end. I’m sorry for always bugging you on MSN. I’m sorry for all the sappy heartbroken statuses. I’m sorry for talking to you in front of your friends.

But I’m not sorry for liking you. I am who I am now because of you and while I’m sad that we’ve been reduced to small talk, I’m glad I can still be friends with the boy who was my world for years and years. I know it’s a lot of pressure but don’t mind it, because when it comes to you I’ll always be that chubby, acne ridden 14 year old pining for you from afar. But in saying that, I cannot wait until we’re 68, when we can think back on those years and laugh. Until then, let’s be happy.

Love always,
Mark

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