I don't drink soy lattes to try and be a wanker, it's because I don't want to shit myself in public.

January 13, 2016

I have a theory that most people are 10% wanker. It comes in different forms and some people hide it a little better than others do, but I think that when you scratch away at the surface you’ll find that most people have a certain snobbery towards something or a particular ism that could brand them as a little bit of a dick.

 

 

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m probably more like 15% wanker, but that’s something that I’ve come to terms with. I’m okay with it. But what I can’t deal with is being judged by my choice of coffee. The soy latte.

 

People think that you’re trying to be something you’re not when you order a soy latte, but the truth of the matter is that I’m just trying to avoid having to book in some serious time with my toilet later that afternoon.

 

I discovered that I was mildly lactose intolerant a few months ago and let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. Yes, I’ll admit I am a self diagnosed dairy downer and usually I’m not about Googling your symptoms (it always comes back as some kind of cancer) but when you find yourself exploding like a tap mere minutes after consuming a large chocolate milkshake (more than once) I feel like you’re allowed to draw your own dairy conclusions.

 

So when I order a soy latte it’s not because I’m trying to keep on trend, on the contrary in fact, I'm just trying to retain normal body functions. I’m always jealous of those friends who can throw back a full cream coffee followed by a slice of cheesecake while I sip away at my soy beverage of choice and have to constantly remind myself “No, this is not dairy, you’re going to be okay, keep drinking.”

 

I miss dairy. I miss it more than any ex-boyfriend or pair of jeans that used to hug your butt in such a good way but now can only manage to cuddle your ankles. I miss it so much that I’ve even started medicating myself with tablets that make the intolerance a little more tolerable. I still find myself clutching at my guts post cream bun, but it means that I’m on the lower end of the spectrum on the ‘risk that I might poo myself’ scale and you know what, it’s totally worth it.

 

While I may still spend twenty plus minutes perfecting an Instagram post or two hundred and something dollars on a four-dollar-fifty looking t-shirt, I certainly do not aim to impress with my coffee order. Because while I’ve learnt to love that soy bean flavour, all my heart really desires is a huge bowl of ice-cream covered in yogurt and sprinkled with brie cheese. So get off my case, okay?

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Kate Neilson is a twenty-something human grinding away at her new life in the big smoke and missing her cockerspaniel's cuddly embrace at night. She's the creator behind Twenty Something Humans and feels pretty chuffed to have such creative people in her life. You can send her a line here.

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