It all starts with a person. A lovely, successful happily married person with a dirty secret. A “dirty”, “sinful”, “shameful” secret. A secret that they bury, suppress and hide from themselves. But how long can someone keep their true fantasies hidden before they need a release? Before they seek out someone who can fulfil their desires free of judgement and prejudice?
The successful businessman who needs to be humiliated. The housewife who wants to dominate you. The guy who wants to fuck a ladyboy. The feminist who wants to be forcefully taken.The secret homosexual. The secret cross dresser. These are the secret lives of the people around you.
We think our own hidden fantasies make us weird, and are quick to judge others on theirs, often jumping to conclusions about what it says about a person. Would you ever admit to what kind of porn you watch or what you imagine while you masturbate?
Your sexuality, fantasies and fetishes should not define you and yet if we find out a man enjoys watching rough sex scenes, would we not assume he's at risk of becoming a sex offender, or that he has deeper issues with women. A straight man watching gay or transexual porn secretly battling his homosexuality? Maybe it does give us a small insight into a persons psyche but it certainly does not define them as a person.
We are refusing to open up to our partners for fear of rejection but without the discussion how do we know that our partner isn't hiding their own deep seated desire? What if it's the same desire and you are missing out on the best sex of your life? Relationships get boring; they get stale. The sex disappears and you live a life of secret lonely bathroom masturbation.
This is the relationship model that our society seems to think is inevitable. Guys whinge about the old “ball and chain” and woman complain that he doesn't pay attention anymore. Magazines tell us it's normal, that it's our own fault.
Buy some candles, go on dinner dates, take these pills and lose some weight. Isn't it high time for some real relationship advice? Stick a finger up his bum, invite the girl next door, buy that strap-on and fuck each other till it chaffs. Cacilda Jethá and Christopher Ryan, authors of Sex at Dawn argue that we are constantly battling with our own eroticism. Saying that we are all fighting “...our hungers, expectations, and disappointments.”
Domination/submission, role play, latex/leather, voyeurism/exhibitionism, spanking. Did one of these jump out at you? You aren't alone. The Journal of Sexual Medicine says these are some of the most common fantasies and fetishes, followed closely by feet, crossdressing and water-sports (just in case you were as naïve as me on that last one, it involves the act of urinating on someone or being urinated on). Interesting.
The study also found some interesting differences between the male and female participants. Almost 40 percent of the men involved fantasied about fucking a sex worker, compared to a tiny 12.5 percent of women. While being dominated, or having a sex with three or more people of the opposite sex was a far more common female fantasy. That's right we all secretly love the gang bang pornos.
Maybe you are on the less common end of the sexual desire spectrum. The Kentucky Klondike Bar, The Panamanian Petting Zoo, The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Flying Camel, The Landshark. These are just some of the bizarre sex acts found on Urban Dictionary, and although I am skeptical that anyone, EVER, has actually done these things, I have hyperlinked their definitions in case one arouses some unknown desire in you. There's no judgement here... just don't call me if you're after a Kentucky Klondike Bar.
We are a far cry from our sexually repressed ancestors. We no longer 'lie back and think of England' nor do we save ourselves for marriage, copulate just for reproduction, or deny the existence of the clitoris (except for those who are still figuring out where is it. Bless). We do live in a time of relative sexual liberation and freedom however our sexuality still “throbs with obvious, painful truths that must not be spoken aloud.” Sex at Dawn argues that there is still a huge conflict between “what we're told we feel and what we really feel” and says it's one of the biggest sources of necessary dissatisfaction in our society.
Thanks to Fifty Shades we are discussing domination and submission, but does someone need to write a sexy book before it's acceptable to admit to your secret foot fetish or love of water-sports? Why is it ok to admit to wanting a threesome with another girl, but another guy makes me a whore?
So go on, tell your partner that you want that gang-bang. Buy that strap-on. Tell them you've invited the guy next door for dinner and a threesome. Who knows, maybe they'll be into it and like I said before, you'll have the best sex of your entire life. That's the goal people.
Image: Loren Bousefield - Obscur Photography
*Originally published at Losingitblog.co.uk
Anna Wall is a self-confessed hedonist and self-appointed travel expert. She drinks coffee until its appropriate to move on to wine and believes that there is nothing more satisfying in life than good wine and a good book. She's scared of balloons, the dark and of growing up.