It’s 7pm on a Saturday night, you haven’t showered all day, you’re still in your jim-jams from last night and you look like one big hot mess. You’re in front of the TV, where you have been all day and you’re 5 seasons deep into Pretty Little Liars. You have one hand in your pants – pulling the ol’ Al Bundy and the other hand is reaching for the snacks. Some times you switch hands because you’re a savage like that.
Some would say you’ve hit rock bottom. Some would say you’ve made it to life's happy place. Either way, you’re a fucking couch potato. There are buttloads of pros and cons. The cons kind of sound like pros, but a true couch potato knows, there are no bloody cons!
Couch potato-ing doesn’t have to be an anti-social activity
Couch potatoes can invite other fellow couch potatoes to join in on the sloth life. You know that guilt you feel when you should have been getting your shit together but end up on the couch all day? Inviting over someone who will also avoid adult responsibilities will make you feel less guilty. Plus, they can pick up more snacks on the way over! Besides, when Monday morning rolls around and the office banter begins, you can look people in the eye and say with great truth you “caught up with old friends” over the weekend (especially Chandler, Phoebe, Monica, Rach, Joey and Ross).
Who doesn’t love when actual plans get cancelled? You don’t have to pick an outfit. You don’t need to worry about finding half of your wardrobe on your bed when you get home drunk at 4am (and you decide to sleep in it anyway). You don’t have to worry about blisters growing blisters from your feet being crammed into 74 inch heels. You don’t need to worry about the unpredictable weather conditions because rail, hail or shine, your couch will accept you no matter what you look like. “Bless you, you are the best fucking couch a couch potato could ask for.” *stares into couches pretend eyeballs* Also, you can't wear your snuggie to the clerb (but imagine if you could...).
As much as anyone loves to look like a basic hashtag on Instagram, it’s a shit tonne of work to look hot these days. The ‘getting ready’ part of the evening has easily gone from 1 hour to like 7 and a half with all the weird and epic ways that you have to paint your face. You can’t just get away with a lashing of mascara and some blush these days. No, no, no, you have to contour, highlight, bake, cake, conceal and strobe. What the actual fuck though? No thank you kind sir, I'm going to pick me up some snacks that’ll probably make me break out and sit here in my own filth and watch my favourite series. I may take naps in between episodes; I haven’t decided just yet.
Can’t relate to those health hipsters
Fitness fanatic - “OMG I totally ate 1800 calories today!”
Couch potato – “Like in one sitting or….?”
Couch potatoes, we just don’t get it. You like to run, we don’t. You like to lift, we don’t. You like to take photos of your health conscious foods, we don’t. We are like two different species. The most exercise we get is literally jumping up to get the pizza when the doorbell rings. You do you boo and I’m just going to unfollow you on Facebook so you don’t accidently pop up in my newsfeed when the credits come on making me feel super guilty about my choices.
The body aches
For those potatoes who are lucky enough to be “in-between jobs”, or you know, have a little time off, a true couch potato knows what the body aches are. You only get off the couch or get out of bed to pee, get food or get more food. You’ve been laying in a log position for quite some time. Your back hurts so you roll over. You start to lose feeling in your arm so you roll over to the other side. You feel like a snack so you might sit up (sitting up isn’t always necessary to place a handful of popcorn in your mouth though).
This process just continues until you start to form into a human again and actually leave your house. Those lazy aches get you every fucking time. It now hurts to do normal things like walk, breathe and text. You can’t choose the sloth life; the sloth life chooses you mate.
Food choice on a CP bender
This is the only part of being a couch potato that can really cause a little anxiety. You’re deep into day 5 of being a couch tater-tot. You’ve already had pizza. You’ve already had Chinese. You’ve already had Indian. You’ve also had Thai. Twice. NOW WHAT THE FUCK AM YOU MEANT TO EAT?
Scrolling through Menulog just waiting for something, anything to jump out at you. You get so engrossed into picking the perfect dinner accompaniment that you don’t realise you have been searching for a solid 40 minutes. You could’ve been watching Game of Thrones. A flow of anger sends shivers down your spine. Your brain signals you to just pick something, pick ANY DAMN THING. You settle for pizza. Again. Whatever. Hit play.
Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.
Images: Legally Blonde, 30 Rock, New Girl.