By Anna Wall

June 3, 2016

 

Dear John… 

 

It seems like a lifetime ago that I pined after you so fiercely. So many important loves have come and gone since you, but you’ll always be my first. My first crush. My first husband.

 

Perhaps you won’t know this is even about you, I mean our relationship was tumultuous at the best of times - furtive glances (on my part) across the classroom, the occasional word spoken, the whispers down the line telling you I fancied you - the lack of response from you.

 

I still remember the day you started at our school. The quintessential new guy… You looked just like Nick Carter, in all his Backstreet Boys glory, nothing like the usual boys at our school. A real surfer type you know. All the girls fancied you.

 

When I ended up in hospital the pain of not seeing you was more than any of my physical pain. And then you were there… My eyes lit up as you walked down the hospital corridor, visiting me with a card signed from the other class members. Your name was the only one I saw. Your mum had driven you and sat impatiently in the hall while my brother mocked our stilted conversation. He didn’t understand that sometimes true love need no words. You left the card, said get better and were gone again. I want you to know that your words are what healed me, John.

 

Things had changed between us after that, we held hands at school now and even sometimes spoke. I liked you so much that when you said you were going to marry me I believed you, I felt like life was finally falling into place for me. I never expected what was around the corner. I thought this was it, true love, just like in the movies….

 

And then it happened. For the first time in my 6 years on this earth I understood what they meant when they spoke of heartbreak.

 

“I’m going to marry Cara*” you said, so casual.

 

It hurt more than I’d ever thought I’d know, but I liked you and was prepared to make sacrifices to bide by the sanctity of marriage. In all my diplomacy I proposed that you marry us both, and after considering it for a moment you seemed to like the idea and agreed.

 

In hindsight I see now that it never would have worked. Cara and I were far too passionate to ever share a man of your calibre John. It was for the best that we walked away.

 

I see you’re married again now John and I am happy for you, I truly am. I do hope you’ll always remember your first wife though and know that she will always remember you as the only man to ever steal her heart on a swing-set.

 

Forever and always,

Anna x

 

* names changed to protect the innocent.

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