Things that you should stop saying to gay guys

May 16, 2016

Let’s get this started with the facts. My name is Daniel. I’m twenty and I am a flaming homosexual.

 

I'm not sure if it is my Celine Dion Spotify playlist or my ability to quote every word from “Showgirls” but it seems my homosexuality is often always on display for the world to see. I feel I’m always trying to fight my most “stereotypical” traits because I know it will lead to inevitable questions. Even though you can spot the glitter in my pores from 30 paces away, I do indeed get sick of hearing the same shit every time I meet someone new.

 

So, I am going to explain the 4 questions this homosexual, and most for that matter, are sick of hearing. This is my PSA. PSGay.

 

 


 

1) “So how many dicks have you taken?”

 

 

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about the queer community is that because we can’t get married and have “real relationships” that we are all bonking like rabbits.

 

Sure this does happen from time to time but not with this queen. I want a connection first (when I say this to some straight friends, they look at me like I'm the antichrist of the gay community).

 

 Also, please don’t just immediately assume that every sexual or even quasi sexual experience I’ve ever had was in a public bathroom with a married politician. 

 

I once met a group of people (strangers) who after 2 and a half minutes of casual chit-chat about uni and life goals asked “so, any tips for sucking dick!?” WTF.

 

While I am very open about my sexuality, how about you ask me about my labradoodle Shandy or give me a fake compliment before requesting the hidden secrets of my “trade”. Otherwise you’ll just have to wait for the release of my latest novel 'Your gag reflex and you', which will be available in October.

 

2) “Will you be my gay best friend!?”
 

Grrrr. Fucking No.

 

Someone could be standing in front of me with a bleeding head on a stick and still expect me to want to get brunch with them and decipher which Sex and the City character they are (you're all fucking Carrie if you ask me).

 

Just because I’m gay this doesn't automatically make me want to gravitate to every nearby vagina and befriend it. Look for a friend that matches you and if they happen it be gay, ding ding ding the universe is rewarding you for donating to that one charity that one time.

 

As we are not all stylists with an interior design degree, having a “gay best friend” does not mean you will automatically have a free designer/makeup artist/design coach. I rotate 3 denim shirts in my wardrobe and a few pairs of odd socks. That is the basis of the fashion advice you will be getting from me.

 

3) “Oh god, do your parents hate you?”
 

 You're thinking, “You don’t really get asked this, right?”. But alas I do. I get asked it so often I'm almost used to it which is pretty awful. I have been asked this so many times by so many different people: friends, co-workers, bosses you name it, they've asked it.

 

 While many do have a tough time coming out, I would say this assumption is not the best to make straight out of the gate. It suggests that parents rejecting their children is the norm, which isn't a good  thing to be reinforcing and if someone has had a difficult time coming out it's up to them to decide that they want to open up to you, you can't go prying it out of them.

 

Similarly, when some people find out  that I'm Arabic, they seem quite viscerally shocked that my family hasn't be-headed me or at least sold me for rubies (mainly because no one could afford me).

 

4) “Is it cool if say faggot, you know in a friendly way?”

No.

 

I can't speak on behalf of all gay men here but these are my spark notes and I'm sure there are many other annoying questions that could be added to this list. I am always happy to answer questions and talk about it when it comes from a friendly, open and supportive place. Just make sure you keep in mind that you are speaking to another human being when asking these questions and if it's not something that you'd be comfortable answering yourself, then perhaps you shouldn't ask in the first place.

 

Go forth. Good luck. Slay Queen.

 


Daniel is a 20 year old uni student living in Sydney. His personal mantra is, “Oh god why did I eat that”. He is currently working on his goal of becoming famous enough on Instagram to promote weight loss tea. Please help him reach that goal by following @daniel_hayek

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