Just when you thought you had that whole ‘sex’ thing down people start strapping dildos to their chins.
You might think that you know all about sex toys (yes, we know about your little Battery Operated Boyfriend (Bob) in your top shelf), but then they start bringing out the big guns with twisting, twirling, glow-in-the-dark, bedazelled gadgets that will leave your libido rocking in the corner of the room wishing it had just stayed in and ordered pizza like it had originally planned to.
If you’re looking to take your sex life into a new and interesting place then maybe you should have a read on but please understand that we can’t stay and watch, no judgement or anything, we're just slightly terrified. Please turn off the lights when you leave.
Baby Jesus Butt-plug
This really doesn’t need much explaining, does it? It’s literally a mould of baby jesus, not just Jesus but BABY Jesus and you’re meant to stick it up your butt. This is romance at its finest people.
Such a hole-y experience.
Unicorn Tail Butt-plug
Did we miss some kind of memo? Are butt-plugs in at the moment or something? I mean, the unicorn tale is kind of cute but could we not find some kind of adhesive alternative?
A quick Google search helped us to understand exactly how one would use a butt-plug. So, it’s like a dildo for your bum. Who knew Wikipedia offered sexual advice these days, but you must ensure your butt plug has a “flanged end to avoid the device getting lost in your rectum.” I think if you’re worried about stuff getting lost in your rectum then maybe you shouldn’t be jamming things up their in the first place.
The Chin Dildo
Now, we’re not 100% versed in the world of facial dildos but our guess here is that it’s purpose is to offer some kind of double penetration/cunnilingus deal. Think of it like killing two birds with one stone, your sexual needs are catered for and you get to store the mental image of your partner with a penis strapped to their face. What a dick head. This is both truly amazing and extremely terrifying.
The Fisting Glove
Now this one is a bit easier to understand. Not because we’re some kind of anal fisting fans, but if you were going to stick your entire forearm inside of someone you’d want to be wearing some kind of protective glove, right? But then again, if this is the stuff that you’re into then hygienic qualities probably aren’t what you're looking for in a sex toy.
Maybe it’s more about the aesthetic appeal. Your partner stares across the room into your eyes while they slowly slide on the fisting glove and you know exactly what’s going to happen next.
Sex toys for your Dog (for those who like it ruff).
Pouchy pounding. It’s a worldwide epidemic. You only have to go to your local park to see the widespread effects. If your dogs not humping someone else’s Labrador, then he’s probably humping your leg. Help the little guy out (not in the way you weirdo). Buy him he’s very own sexy doll, complete with vaginal hole and all! Your puppy can hump his way into dinner time while you enjoy having the full use of your leg back. Win, win.
Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and is still figuring out what she wants to be when she grows up.