First it was snakes on a plane but now it’s farts that you have to fear. The BBC reports that the average person will omit anal gas at least ten times per day. That’s fifteen times if you had curry the night before or twenty if you had leftover curry for breakfast that morning (prayin’ for you). Apparently we are capable of expelling one-litre of gas per day. That’s like half a bottle of milk or whole water bottle filled with fart gas. You’ve probably let a sneaky one go by the time you’ve finished reading this paragraph.
Jacob Rosenbery is a clinical professor at the University of Copenhagen and he first discovered his passion for the study of farts (lol) when he was taking a flight to New Zealand and noticed some extra bottom burps were leaving his system. He noticed his water bottle seemed to be contracting as the pressure inside the plane dropped and he thought, “hmm, perhaps this is what’s happening to my bowels too (as you do).
So in true scientist form he ran a few tests and flicked a few beakers and eventually concluded that we do in fact let a few extra sneakies rip when we’re flying high, or so he says, I mean the guy studies farts for a living.
Let’s say this is all true. Think about those awful overnight flights with a belly full of shitty plane food. If there were roughly 200 passengers passing gas on that plane, that’s 200 litres of fart gas in the air, which is around 2,500 farts per flight, which is surely enough gas to cupcake an entire plane full of people. How do we avoid this? Rosenberg says the answer is simple: put charcoal in, up and around everything.
Rosenberg suggests charcoal seats, charcoal blankets and charcoal lined underwear which could soak up nearly 100% of the odor. But where do you find such a product, you ask? Well for you I’ve tracked down the best of the best. Introducing Shreddies, the original flatulence filtering underwear.
You can fart all day in these bad boys and everyone will be none the wiser. Although I do feel uncomfortable about the idea of a day’s worth of farts trapped in the back of your undies, but I guess you just need to try and forget about that. These undies are fitted with an activated carbon back panel that is designed to absorb ‘flatulence odours’ aka yo’ stinky fart gas.
They even come with a wonderful diagram to show you how to use these magical pants. Keep those legs tight and you can pop yourself silly.
Shreddies have taken a weird angle with their promotion of this product in attempting to try and make farts sexy. Imagine a Bonds underwear campaign. Gorgeous black and white shots, a stunning man sprawled across the couch with a ginormous member bulging from his tighty-whiteys or a beautiful woman in her bra and undies languidly strewn across the bed. Now imagine that while these gorgeous beings are staring fiercely into the camera lens that they are also doing a monstrous fart. Kind of ruins it, right?
Hats off to them really, they’ve had a great crack at it but just because you’ve put gorgeously sculpted men and women in underpants this doesn’t mean that we will forget that this product is designed to capture the particles of poo that are blasting out of your anus ten to fifteen times a day.
So next time your about to fly kindly consider your fellow passengers and wear a pair of Shreddies. Failing that you could always shove a piece of charcoal up your arsehole, that ought to do the trick.
Kate Neilson is a list maker and a booty shaker. She is the creator of Twenty Something Humans and is still figuring out what she wants to be when she grows up.