It's 9:30pm and I'm getting myself ready for bed. The usual deal - tie my hair up, wash my face and brush my teeth. As I slip into bed the stress of tomorrow dawns on me. I reach for my phone and scroll through various forms of social media. The clock ticks over to 10:00pm. It's time.
It's what I like to call 'bean o'clock'. You know, the customary time of flicking the bean. It's my second favourite time of evening closely following sleep. Everyone does it. Everyone loves it and as a single, 28-year-old woman, I especially love it.
There are the obvious health benefits that make masturbating a fun time all round. It helps you to really understand and connect with your body, wards off pesky headaches and muscle aches and makes you one happy chappy because it releases those sweet, sweet endorphins and shit.
Plus, it will send you into such a deep relaxation that you are guaranteed to have the best fucking sleep ever. You know, the kind of sleep you have when you've had a big night on the vodkas and your bed just feels like this cloud made of clouds and your head hitting the pillow enables instantaneous sleep. Yeah, you get what I'm saying.
So masturbation is a great time, but can it be better than sex? Fuck yeah it can. Here are four reasons why buttering the whisker biscuit is way more satisfying than someone jabbing you with their point bits:
You know your body so you're guaranteed to get off
Don't you hate when you're laying there pretending to be having a fabulous time when all you want to do is sit up and yell "what the fuck are you doing down there?". You won't have to go through that experience when you're rubbing one out all by yourself. You know what works and what feels good so you're most likely to reach that big 'O'- unless you give up half way through but you only have yourself to blame then.
Afterwards you can just roll over and fall straight to sleep. No one fights over who gets to be the little spoon. Fuck your spoon.
None of this tinder bullshit
I'm pretty sure I'm half way to getting some sort of RSI from all the swiping, mostly left and rarely right. On the odd occasion, you'll come across some hot meathead who starts up a nice conversation. By nice, I really mean sleazy and bordering on desperate. Avoid the shitty small talk and start playing with yourself. The meathead would most likely be checking himself out in the mirror during penetration anyhow.
The awkward one-night stand aftermath is avoided
*Sigh* You wake up in the morning and roll over to see that 4am kebab-eating man of choice lying there in all his glory. You think, “Shit, did I really think this guy was the bees fucking knees? I guess so.” Then comes the awkward few minutes when you’re trying to remember his name and trying to figure out if breakfast is necessary. You obviously realise breakfast isn’t bloody necessary and will he get the fuck out already?!
It could be worse. He could miss all of your signs for wanting him to leave and actually expect, at the very least, a coffee. Want to dodge a bullet next time? Try buffin’ your own muffin.
You won’t end up being up the duff
A lot of us have had that terrifying experience of the waiting game. This is probably the only time you ever get excited to host a crime scene in your underpants. No one wants to be baby-makin’ if you ain’t got the funds or the brain power to withstand those types of responsibilities. I sometimes forget to put on underwear in the morning, let alone take care of a tiny human. You know what type of sex won’t get you pregnant? Well besides, the fun non-penetration kind…. diddling the damn skittle.
Hop to it. You know you want to put on some slow jams and get all up in your own sexual healing. Giggity.
Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.