They’re clichéd as “man’s best friend” but any twenty-something dog owner knows how inadequate a phrase this is. Not least for its inherent sexism (for dogs are equal opportunity friends), but for its out-dated words and pure obsolescence. Firstly, nobody nowadays has best friends; they’ve long since been replaced with “BFFLs”. Also, it’s common knowledge that dogs don’t discriminate; they’re everybody’s BFFLs.
So, let’s delve into the top 10 reasons why humans love dogs so fucking much; or as I prefer, Y Dog BFFL…
1. Unconditional Love
It’s said that the most loving and enduring human relationships involve unconditional love. What a crock of shit.
I dare you to not wipe your ass for a month, give up on doing the dishes, and launch sexist/racist/fascist tirades at the nightly news and see how unconditional your loved ones’ love really is.
Odds are your shit scented pigsty of an apartment would be devoid of intelligent life quicker than you can yell “Stop the Boats!” at your TV.
But hang on; guess who’s not given up on you just yet? Yep, that’s right, your faithful pooch; drawn ever closer to you, more for your faecal fragrance than your political ideology. How’s that for unconditional.
2. Bottomless Biological Bin
Oh you’re into composting, that’s cool. Well I’ve got a dog.
Be it last week’s mouldy leftovers or their own vomit, dogs are down to eat anything and everything.
Looking for an exercise buddy who won’t take no for an answer and won’t flake out on you last minute? (No neither am I, it sounds awful really).
But on the off chance that you are, look no further than the cheapest per hour personal trainer on earth, I introduce to you Dog PT (but they're also chill to just sit around and watch TV too).
4. The Only Pick Up Line You’ll Ever Need
For those older twenty somethings whose days of drunken babble pick up lines are long gone, a dog is just what you need!
There’s no better way to start a romantic relationship than cute-ing the pants off your future partner by playing ball with your furry friend in the local park.
If you’re lucky you could soon find yourself playing ball with another furry friend of sorts, if catch my drift…hopefully not in the park.
That is unless you’ve got one of those humpy kinds of dogs. You’d best keep them away from strangers, for it’s a well know fact that dogs take after their owners.
(NB. If a dude’s humpy dog starts gratuitously humping your dog, or your leg, GTFO of the park ASAP. Like seriously, run!)
5. Who Needs A Kid?
If your poochy pal manages to land you a date with a new humpy pal things could get serious, like kid serious.
Whatever your thoughts are on having kids, in dog a solution you can find.
Not sure if you’re ready to have kids?
Caring for a puppy is the perfect way to practice and fine-tune your parenting skills. Caring for puppies and babies is like literally the same thing. Seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
Loathe the idea of having kids? Who cares?!
Continue enjoying your childless dog-filled life!
6. The Best Models Ever
Dogs are simply fabulous!
You can dress-up the shit out of dogs. They’re so obliging.
7. Those Eyes
Ever wonder why your cat’s eyes don’t bring you the same joy as your dog’s?
It’s been found that gazing into your dog’s eyes elicits the same psychological response as parent-infant eye contact does.
A study in Japan found a strong correlation between a long gaze into a dog’s eyes and an increase in human’s oxytocin levels (that feel good brain crack).
The explanation for this effect isn’t entirely clear. One possible reason humans respond so well to dog’s eyes is in their expressiveness and similarity to human eyes.
8. Puppies Are Cute AF
It’s not difficult to love anything as cute as puppies!
Except for pug puppies. I mean seriously, they’re faces only a mother could love.
9. Cuddles Anyone?
No lover? No worries!
Nothing says love like day-long cuddle sessions on the couch with four pawed bae.
10. It’s Written In The Stars (Genes)…
Our love for dogs might seem like a modern construct but there is evidence that humans have been domesticating canines as long as 15,000 years ago.
This predates the Neolithic agricultural revolution and the settlement of human populations.
We’ve been living with dogs for longer than we’ve grown our own food!
There are well-documented changes in the DNA of dogs from their wolf-like ancestors over the course of our domestication of them.
From their wild wolf ancestors dogs have been artificially selected by humans to express and maintain certain desirable traits.
In a kind of symbiosis, there were strong survival advantages for both dogs and humans to coexist.
Not only are human-canine relationships based on love, but also the shared desire to survive and thrive in a harsh and competitive world.
Friends who hunt and forage together, stay together.
Artwork: Silje Buxton Soldal
Michael is an inner city, latte sipping, good for nothing, twenty something journalism student.
When not shackled to the drudgery of daily life he can be found travelling to interesting parts of the world, reading books he pretends to understand, or quaffing grotesque volumes of wine; sometimes simultaneously. Michael collates and exhibits his idle thoughts on thefence.net. Or you can find him on facebook, twitter, instagram etc. @mjforno