You’re standing outside of your office building staring up to the twenty-fourth floor willing yourself to walk through that revolving door against your better judgment because rent is due tomorrow and you spent your last hundred dollars on a cute jumper covered in pictures of Meryl Streep’s face (you’re probably wearing it right now, aren't you?).
You’re sitting at your desk trying to count how many staples you can see in your stapler from a distance while your colleagues argue over your desk about a miscommunication regarding the due date of a stupid, boring report that no one was even going to read in the first place.
It’s 10am and your ears are victim to the sound of a novelty ringtone for the twentieth time today. The printer is broken which has sent the entire office into a spiral of mayhem and you just remembered that you packed a soggy sandwich for lunch. Things aren’t looking great.
You hate your fucking job but that’s okay because we’ve got some handy hints to keep your soul from shrivelling away into a sad, soggy sultana.
Focus on the things that you are getting out of the day
While you may not be bettering your mind with constant and fulfilling work, it’s important to try and find the silver lining of it all. You’ll be super hydrated after sculling litres of water per day in pursuit of that sweet relief you gain when taking a 3- minute break to re-fill your water bottle.
You’ll be totally up-to-date with the Hollywood happenings from the sneaky tab that you hide behind ‘a work e-mail’ (which is good to impress friends with at a dinner party) and for the ladies you can get a cracking start on your kegel exercises. Sorry gentlemen, I don’t have extensive knowledge of any specific penis exercise you can do. Just give them a reassuring pat and let them do their thing, I guess?
2. Make friends with the IT expert
Office life was dramatically changed with the introduction of Instant Messaging. It was designed for those who were feeling too lazy to walk across to the other side of the room to communicate, those who are too considerate to scream out to their colleague on the west wing and for those who want to subtly bitch about people in the office to their only work friend who sits directly opposite them (that’s me... and probably you).
Making friends with the IT gal/guy means that you’ve always got someone to talk to. You can feign ignorance when it comes to basic computer functions like, “Hi, me again. How did say I could save my word document again? I’ve forgotten already, silly me!” Any genuine human contact is important to make it through the day. Even if this means that the IT guru thinks that you’re a fucking idiot,chances are that compared to them you probably are, so just go with it.
3. Plan all the things that you’ll eat when you get home.
There’s nothing like killing a bit of time by day-dreaming about your next meal. Send yourself into a blissful daze by imagining the taste of last nights, re-heated stir fry or the six or seven tim-tams that you’re going to soak into a nice, hot cup of tea. These treats are what gets you through the day. Knowing that you can go home at some point and gorge yourself on cold pizza and tic-tacs is sometimes the only reason to get out of bed in the first place.
You can try and kid yourself and plan all the exercise and productive tasks that you are going to achieve that afternoon but honestly, we all know that the minute you walk through that door your pants are off, the fridge is open and your body will be flung across the nearest cushioned surface.
4.Give yourself a reward for every hour that you DON’T fling your keyboard against the wall and yell, “I’m outta here bitches!”.
Baby steps, that’s all that it takes to get through the day unscathed (or without hurting someone else). So while your heart might sink from your chest into the lower end of your colon at the thought of enduring another seven whole hours of this mind-numbing, earth shatteringly boring, totally fucking pointless job, if you work towards your next treat you just might be okay.
Maybe after the first hour you’ll treat yourself to a nice cup of tea. After the second hour you might amuse yourself with a light-hearted video of a dog playing a piano (such a clever boy) and perhaps by the time you’re onto your third or fourth treaty for the day you might consider popping a sneaky valium, up to you.
5.See how many items of stationary you can steal before people start to notice
Pens are a big one for me. I love a good pen and the great thing about working in an office is that there is an abundance of them (that’s probably the only great thing about it). So whenever I reach into the cupboard of infinite pens I’ll take one for daily use and another to slip into my pocket… I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.
I never had a penchant for stealing previous to working in an office job, I guess it’s just something that happens to you as they grind you into ‘the system’. I even went as far as stealing a packet of post-it notes once, but I felt really guilty about it when I got home and one of them gave me a paper cut, which was probably due to some kind of universal intervention telling me to pull my self together and to stop playing with fire. I haven’t stolen anything since.
So there you have it, my secret stash of hints to get you through the day. After re-reading this I have realised that I’ve advocated for the use of drugs, promoting stealing as a way to pass time, encouraged you to dumb yourself down to make friends and binge eat your issues away. You probably shouldn’t even be listening to me. You should probably just quit your job tbh.