You’ve been chatting to a certain ‘special’ someone for a while now and you feel like it might be time to take your relationship to the next level. No, I don’t mean having sex because let’s be honest that ship most definitely sailed around date number three. I’m talking about sending them pictures of your dicks, tits and private bits.
Now before you start gasping in horror pretending that you’ve never done this, let me just call your bluff from the very beginning. We’ve all sent (or thought about sending) nude pics to someone before. There’s no shame in doing that, just make sure you consider a few points before hitting send because God forbid your hoo-haa ends up on the side of a bus.
There are a few scenarios to get you started. A: you’ve already seen each other naked, B: want to see each other naked, or C: you’re Kim Kardashian, our nude selfie queen, and want to continue showing off your flawless body to the world.
Once you’ve decided on which category you fall under (Hi Kim if you’re reading) then you need to check off a few other things before getting started. Are you both consenting adults? Do you trust eachother? Are you ready to display your finest assets in a way that would make Kim Kardashian look like an amateur?
If you answered yes to all of the above, then Welcome to ‘Sending Nudes 101’. With the right person it can be exciting as hell with the wrong person it can just be hell. So sharpen your pencils and get ready to take some notes about how to transform yourself into a nude selfie pro.
Part 1: Choose your platform wisely
Pros: Ever since God sent us Snapchat, it has revolutionised the way we exchange nudes. A quick 2 second flash and it disappears forever. Perfect for the non-committal human or someone who is just starting out. The quality of the photo will be pretty shitty, so you don’t have to worry about those pimples on your chest and you can always add filters for a more flattering approach. Why not shake it up a bit and make your dick a rainbow dick!
Cons: You receive rainbow dick pic and before you have time to pick your jaw up off of the ground, it’s gone. It’s also easy to get caught up in all of the excitement of Snapchat, and before you know it, you’ve just added your booty to your story. And I’m not sure if you’ve ever had the ‘experience’ of innocently looking over someone’s shoulder at their Snaps until you see much more of their boyfriend than you should ever know. Let me tell you, when you go out for a dinner date with your friend and her boyfriend next, you won’t be able to get rid of those rosy cheeks and the thought that your friend is one lucky girl.
Verdict. Easy come, easy go. The ultimate nudie platform for millennial to exchange nudes.Snapchat gets a nice 4/5 peaches.
Pros: Ah, the classic nude text. The birthplace of young adults refusing to let their parents look through their phone. Sending a nude via text means you don’t need to worry about prying eyes of anyone else, because as we all know, we never leave our iPhones out of reach. It also means that the picture is there to last. You can rest peacefully at night knowing that your special someone has access to your finest work when they need to relieve some stress.
Cons: You know when you show someone a photo on your phone and you tell them which way to swipe and then they swipe too far and see something no one else is ever supposed to see? That could be your photo. They’ve done you a favour and sent you a pic they feel worthy of revisiting, so let’s respect their hard work and archive that photo in your secret folder labelled ‘work Christmas party,’ because we all know that no one wants to see those pics.
Verdict. The good ol’ text gets a 3/5 peaches. Texting pictures of yourself naked is perfect for the young professional who is always on the go. You can get your emails done whilst keeping your relationship and sex drive alive. Perfect for those multi tasker masters.
Pros: You will always have a hard copy photo of that person’s junk. It’s indie as fuck. And it will break up the ‘girls night out’ polaroids you currently have all over your pin board.
Cons: They cost $2 for one polaroid. Then you need to track down the other person’s address, buy a stamp and post it in the mail (yes, that still exists) and then you need to wait a few days for it to arrive.
Verdict. The sophisticated Polaroid gets a 4/5 peaches. Perfect for the ultimate hipster couple. Take one every day and then after a few months you’ll have enough low resolution polaroids to open your own art gallery. Something you and your hipster partner have always wanted to do.
Part 2: Choose Your Angle
This is arguably the most important part. Lock the bathroom door and pretend you’re taking a reeeeeeaaaally long shower.
Utilise that bathroom mirror. This is a classic move for a first timer. It’s just like all of those other selfies you take with your friends, minus your clothes and friends. You get a good visual of what you look like and can use the angles that work for you – just make sure you lock the door, nothing worse than someone busting in while you’ve got your leg hiked up on the bathroom basin.
Get good lighting: If your bathroom has green tiles and the reflection leaves you looking like a sexy Shrek, then relocate! It’s best if the light is warm and hits your body front on so you don’t get any weird shadows. It will make your body look bright and exciting.
Be cheeky: Pull your shirt down to show off a lil side boob. Undo the button on your jeans. Give a sneak peak of your lingerie. Exchanging nudes is just like foreplay and we all know how important foreplay is. If you slowly build up to the full reveal, you’ll have them refreshing their Snapchats every second waiting for the next one.
Be different: After a while, boobs are just boobs and lose their mystical magic, and dicks… well they are kind of just always on display anyway. Shake things up a bit. Try a new angle. Show off a different body part. Top it off with some sexy captions. Make it exciting and get creative.
Make yourself feel sexy: You’ve got a bootylicious butt? Pop it! That hard work at the gym making your biceps pop from your shoulders? Flex it! You’ve got a jawline that would make Jonny Depp jealous? Pout it! Whatever it is you love about your body… Flaunt it. Light some candles, play a little acoustic Beibs, spray your Chanel perfume and have a sip of some wine. Whilst you’re taking these pictures to please your nude buddy, this is a two-way street and your experience is just as important. If we get to take a few minutes out of our busy day, then we might as well make the most of it and enjoy it.
Part 3: Choose your nude buddy
Whatever platform you use to send your nudes, just make god damn sure you’re sending it to the right person. Check and triple check. You know what – quadruple check that shit! We don’t want your little sister or your Mum receiving a pic of you in your family bathroom.
OK, so by now, you should have a pretty good idea as to how you’re going to approach your next nude. And I know you’re going to go straight to your bathroom as soon as you finish reading. But before you get out your phone or polaroid camera, let me leave you with the Golden Rules.
On that note, no unsolicited dick picks or booby nudies. When engaging in the art of nudes, manners is of the upmost importance.
Never screenshot. I repeat. NEVER SCREENSHOT! If you edge your fingers towards that screenshot position, kiss your nude buddy goodbye. In fact, don’t expect a kiss, expect a nice little goodbye slap.
Sexy snap with someone you trust. You don’t need to be in love or a relationship to send nudes. Whatever your status, you can engage in the art of sending nudes. Just make sure you’re both on the same page and then you’ll both know what to expect in regards to privacy and keeping those images for the wank bank.
Don’t overthink it. This isn’t a model shoot. It’s not going to be on the side of a bus. Keep it natural and snap what makes you feel sexy.
Well guys, you’ve been excellent students. Now get on out there, be a bit naughty and make our Queen Kardashian proud.
Image: Loren Bousefield
Adelaide is a twenty something human and yes that is her real name. She doesn’t go far without her Doc Martens and a skinny cappuccino. She loves travelling and thinks it’s the best way to meet exciting men people. When she’s not at uni or daydreaming at the beach, you will find her writing on her blog A Worldly Addiction.