Can you spank a Feminist in bed?

January 7, 2016

A guy once said to me: “You know, for someone who’s really into feminism and stuff, you really do like to be dominated in bed.” This statement stuck with me. It bothered me and for a while and I thought maybe I was doing something wrong.​​



 I thought that I was letting my fellow female comrades down by somehow having sex the ‘wrong way’. But now I wonder what I actually meant by this. Was the sex consensual? Yes. Was I enjoying myself? Yes. Was he enjoying himself? I hope so. So what’s the issue here?


It can be difficult balancing your moral conscious with your sexual desires, but I guess it comes down to what feels right for you. Feminism, to me, is about choice. Women shouldn’t be deemed ‘unfeminist’ just because they like the idea of being a stay at home mother while their husband goes to work. That’s not the problem. The problem is that at one point in our history, this was our only option. These days, women have a plethora of choice when it comes to most things and when it comes to sex, well, some like it hot.


Can you spank a feminist in bed?


Let’s clear something up here: being a feminist and liking raunchy sex obviously don't have to be mutually exclusive. It’s all about choice after all. We are forever redefining gender roles within society; the female CEO, the male nurse – these may have been shocking in the past, but now it’s kind of like, yeah... so what?

If a woman (or a man for that matter) likes to be spanked in bed, it's their choice. Dominate me in bed, sure, but try and do the same in the workplace and we’re going to have a problem.


The idea that feminism equals a desire to always be on top (sexually and mentally) is ludicrous. It goes along the same lines as the "you're not a real feminist if you wear make-up" argument- it's just bullshit. So if you read the title of this article and thought to yourself, "hmmm, I wonder?" the answer is: YES, YES, OH GOD, YES! Just be prepared because we might just spank you right back.


Is doggy degrading?


These days it often feels like sex positions are less about pleasure and more about power and bragging rights. “She let me do her from behind” or “I had to go on top the whole time” are thrown as if the position is more validating than the experience itself.


Some people will argue that doggy style can be degrading towards women by suggesting that it takes away a level of intimacy or puts the power into the man’s hands, leaving the woman at his mercy. But I have to say that I disagree.


My opinion? It feels great. Physically, it’s pleasurable and isn’t that what sex is about? Also, because it’s not conventional and a little taboo, we can get an emotional thrill out of it all. Pair the two together and you’ve got yourself a good time.


Sure, if they are only wanting to do you from behind there might be an underlying issue there, but sex doesn’t always have to be about staring into someone’s eyes while you simultaneously orgasm.


The ‘FAUX-gasm’


Faking it is an interesting topic when it comes to gender politics in relationships. The most common argument is that by faking an orgasm, women are fueling the man’s ego and thus putting his pleasure over our own. I think this is something to be considered, but after reading Emma Marie Jones’ arguments in Reclaiming The Faux-gasm, I started to think about things in a different light.


“The knowledge that I can fake it – and enjoy faking it – is empowering,” says Jones. It's about taking the situation into our own hands, because as Jones believes, there’s nothing worse than feeling pressured to ‘finish’.


What happens when a guys asks, “Are you close?” as they attempt to squeeze their load back to the depths of where it came from? Knowing that you're far from finished and that they’re on the brink really does put the pressure on and then you become anxious and you're not enjoying yourself.


So is there really any harm in faking it every now and then if it means we get to relax and enjoy those final moments? While for some sex is about the destination, for others it’s often a lot more about the journey and sometimes it's okay to terminate early.


What I’m really saying is that it’s all about knowing our limits and finding someone who respects your individual boundaries. We shouldn’t need to try and justify what we're doing in order to align our sexual experiences with our personal values. As long as we're being safe and respectful while having sex then the rest shouldn't really matter anyway and if anyone tries to make you justify this, you can tell them to mind their own fucking business.


Image: Loren Bousfield

Originally published at Hijacked




Kate Neilson is a twenty-something year old list maker from Sydney. She's the creator behind Twenty Something Humans and can be lurked @katiepotatierose.




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