• Claudia Siron

Fucked up things that have happened to Tinder users

From pretending to be a Chinese model, inviting all your mates on a first date, to literally getting on all fours to look up a girl's skirt. These truly are some of the worst Tinder date stories.

Most of us have had our fair share of shitty dates, whether we were catfished or just generally grossed out. Your nan might tell you, “It’s alright Sarah, you need to kiss a few frogs before finding prince charming,” and you feel like saying, “Nan, it’s 2019, everyone’s a frog.”

Tinder may be a little entertaining and a great pass time, but according to my calculations 97% of Tinder dates end up being a little odd to some degree. Did he take you out to Maccas for dinner, did she use too much tongue, or did he catfish you for five years before finally meeting up? Six poor souls have shared some hilarious, and downright disgusting, things that have happened to them on Tinder dates.

Liv* went out with a girlfriend to a nightclub. However, her night soon went from groovy to ‘shoot me’.

“A while ago, I matched with a dude on Tinder. He said he and a group of his mates were off to a club to celebrate his birthday. We thought ‘why not, we can just chill with his mates’. So we found him and his group in the club and he just so happened to also be with another one of my Tinder matches. Very awkward. I actually ended up hooking up with one of his other friends, then my girlfriend and I ditched the club without saying goodbye.”

Hmm, not a bad start. This story receives 2/5 vomit face emojis.

Ash’s* Tinder tale is slightly more gruesome. She was catfished by a guy in the Philippines for almost an entire year. He had already lied about his identity once, claiming to be some random Chinese model.

“I found out and was so upset, but after listening to his apologies I forgave him and we started over. Fast forward and we were "in a relationship" that was way too intimate and involved for someone I’d never met or talked with on the phone.”

Ash would ask to video call and the pretend Chinese model always avoided it. He would lie and guilt trip her by saying he’s just really shy. A classic Catfish move. “I was snooping on Facebook one day and I discovered he had lied about who he was again, this time he was pretending to be someone from Manilla University. I flipped my shit at him big time and reported his account, which was then deleted. He created another fake account a week later and tried to contact me. I blocked him and that's the last I heard from him.”

“Another friend of his kept contacting me online, and from the way she talked it sounded like it might have been him. I wonder if this was one person pretending to be a few different people? So I stopped talking to her too. I no longer talk to or accept requests from people I don't know. If something seems off, I'm quick to decline and block the suckers.” Yikes. Ash gets 4/5 vom face emojis for this one.

Mel* agreed to go out with a guy from Tinder. He asked for her number and she gave out her digits (the correct ones) and he would constantly call. Mel is just like me and hates answering the phone.

“I finally decided to pick up and give talking on the phone a chance before meeting him in person. Good thing I did. He was a terrible conversationalist and kept complaining to me about his day. He only talked about sport, and dismissed any comments I made back. I messaged him later to cancel the date we had planned as I wasn’t really vibing it. He replied “scared ya did I? All good, wasn’t that into you anyway. I didn’t want to waste money on you”.

Two out of five vom faces for you, Mel!

Bobby* met a really attractive guy on Tinder who happened to be a school teacher. They chatted for a few days before he invited Bobby to have dinner and then go to the theatre. Bobby was running late for the date and texted to let him know and apologised when he arrived too.

“He went full teacher mode and asked ‘why are you late’?” I explained that I was held back at work. I ordered myself a wine and noticed he wasn’t drinking. “Gr9” I thought. On the way to the show I was explaining to him that I hate interactive theatre as an audience member, then ultimately got called up to participate and obviously crushed it. He interrogated me on this afterwards because he thought I had lied. Upon reflection, I realised I dodged a bullet because at dinner he was giving himself numerous accolades at how much like Mr G he was, an inspiration to the children he taught. And he was genuinely serious. I kid you not. I was way out of his league.” A solid 3/5 vom face emojis.

Karla* trialled dating apps and one day matched with a guy called Johnny*. They were speaking for a few days and he asked her on a date that would commence at 9pm. Karla could already tell that she was in for something.

“We went to a bar, he seemed normal, and then a second after I finished my drink, he grabbed my hand and whisked me out of the venue. Apparently he'd planned some kind of bar hop situation, which I guess was sweet, but it seemed I had no say in the matter.

"He guided me around the city with his hand on the small of my back (fkn gross) and for some reason, I let him. I was oddly complacent for most of this evening. After a few more bars he started to show his true colours, "You know how some men buy Thai women as their wives?" He asked me over our third drink of the evening. "Uhh, yeah?" I responded. "Well, I'm not saying I'd do it, but I kind of get why they do..." Red flag number one.”

Next stop: Star Bar. Karla began feeling sobered by the environment; the majority of Star Bar goers are eighteen (perhaps some seventeen) and you may spot one or two vomiting in the bathroom. Johnny suggested a game of pool, so they did just that.

"You know how some men buy Thai women as their wives?" He asked me over our third drink of the evening.

“When we got down there, he said "Have you ever FUCKED anyone on a pool table?" I looked at him, stunned. "Well, I just assumed you might have", he continued, "because you went to college and all...." Sensing that he'd raised his second red flag of the evening, he tried to drastically change the mood. "Dance with me," he said as he scooped me up into his arms. I was so stunned and let him slow dance with me. There was no music playing and there were some teenagers passed out on the couch next to us. I finally managed to leave the gross pool table basement and told him I was going home. "I'll share an Uber with you," he said. We lived somewhat in the same area.”

As they waited for an Uber, red flag number three popped up when he kissed her and some guys walked past and shouted out "Yeah man, stick it in her." She pulled away, disgusted, and he laughed. "Ah man, I love guys like that. They're just trying to egg me on." Finally, poor Karla arrived at her destination, home sweet home. She made it out alive. But wait, there’s more. As she got out, he got out as well. After another kiss (why is this happening a second time?) he got down on all fours, looking up her skirt when she was unlocking the door.

“I just wanted to get a good view to watch you walk inside," he said. I slammed and locked the door. This was the grossest red flag of the whole evening. Truly the worst date I've ever been on. He called me the next day to try and arrange a second date. I obviously declined.”

If this doesn’t deserve five vom face emojis, I don’t know what does.

Sometimes, you don’t even need to meet the guy on Tinder to have a shitty experience. Sabrina* had a guy approach her at the train station and asked for her number after chatting for a little while. Wow, how 2007 of him. It wasn’t until a month and a half later that he actually called her.

During that call she commented that it had been quite a while since they first talked, and he asked her back “well, why didn’t you call me?” Perhaps because he had her number and she didn’t have his? He already sounds like a mouth-breather.

“We set up a date to go ice-skating date during one of the 2-hour late night sessions. He had previously told me that he had no idea how to ice skate and that I’d have to show him the ropes. He had told me to meet him 1 hour into the session, so I showed up 5 minutes early and waited. I was outside the rink for 20 minutes before he called me asking where I was. Turns out he had already gone inside when the session actually started, over an hour earlier. I paid full price to go inside (even though the session is mostly finished) and met up with him.” By the way, he brought along two of his mates. Sabrina spent the next 10 minutes with him while he convincingly pretends to be really bad at ice skating so he can then impress her by actually being very good, because guess what – he’s an ice hockey player. Eye roll.

“The rest of the time on the ice my date bounces from me to one of his two friends and I’m either alone or with the other friend. When he is actually with me he was speed skating and flinging me around the ice in what I assume was an attempt to impress me, but in reality it just scared the shit out of me.I crashed into the border at one point.

"After the ice skating, all four of us went to Max Brenner. The entire time we were there, my date was touching my leg under the table and playing footsie, none of which I enjoyed. At one point he was feeding me chocolate strawberries and trying to get me to lick his fingers. Just remember, his friends are there.”

By the end of the night, Sabrina knew there wasn’t going to be a second date, but for some strange reason no one else seemed to. He kissed her while his friends watched and she made it as short as possible.

“One of his friends commented on the kiss, saying “I would have expected more than that” as if he thought this whole night had actually gone well.” Umm, what are you still doing HERE?

"At one point he was feeding me chocolate strawberries and trying to get me to lick his fingers. Just remember, his friends are there."

Sabrina gets 4.5 vom face emojis. She also receives bonus points for playing it old school and actually meeting the guy in person before going on a date.

Tinder, Bumble, Grindr. All these apps have something in common: a solid number of creeps, liars and psychopaths. But that’s okay, I’m sure some tech guy living in Silicon Valley will one day invent a new groovy technique to meet the people of our dreams.

Do you have a shit Tinder experience? Tell us in the comments below!

Image: Pexels.

Claudia is a Sydney-based writer who is addicted to 'useful' BuzzFeed quizzes, a diehard Sex & the City fan. She's also well-versed in pretending to know a Cab Savs from a Pinot Noir. You can find her Instagramming as @claudia_siron and you can check out her portfolio here.

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