Diary of a recovering Ciggie Butt Brain
Self-confessed Ciggie Butt Brain Amber Melissa has spent the last two months trying her fkn hardest to quit her nicotine addiction. She takes us along for the ride, one infuriating day at a time.
Ok, I got this. No ciggies. Think of all the oxygen I’ll be able to breathe. All those years of missed oxygen, my brain is going to love me.
Fuck. I just walked passed someone who was smoking. Damn that smells great. All I can indulge in is a piece of this shitty nicotine gum. Well, this fucking sucks.
Haven’t assaulted anyone yet - win! I can do this.
WHY CAN NOBODY FUCKING DRIVE PROPERLY OR DO ANYTHING RIGHT? WHY IS EVERYONE FUCKING STARING AT ME ALL THE TIME. LET ME LIVE!
Oh yeah, the nicotine withdrawals are hitting me hard. So fucking agitated. I could totes rock back and forth in the foetal position rn.
Candy Crush game is strong as an African Bush Elephant. Must keep hands busy.
I'm pretty sure I lost a lung at the gym this morning. Still coughing and it’s midday. My chest was tighter than a budgie’s asshole.
I've start noticing every single person who is smoking in my vicinity. Man in car. Woman on street. Young couple in bar. I resist the urge to walk into their nicotine clouds and suck up some fat, passive, second hand smoke. That would be weird, right?
Image: Me IRL
I’ve literally checked this 'quit smoking app' every fucking day. I don’t care about the milligrams of tar I don’t have in my body anymore but I do enjoy having a few more dollars to throw around on Uber Eats. *Engulfs entire burger in one fell swoop*
It feels like the hard part is over. Sorry to everyone that I snapped at during the last week or so. It’s not you, it’s me. Jokes, it was totally you. You arsehole.
Day 13 – 21
I'm starting to have those awkward AF convos at social events around why I’m not sucking down a smoke. The disappointed looks on smokers' faces (my old crew) is almost reason enough to give in. It’s the same look my Mum used to give me when I was 16 and she caught me sneaking back into the house after an alcoholic gallivant through a random park. Sorry Mum.
I FUCKING MADE IT! The anxiety. The stress. The chewed off fingernails. It was all worth it. I mean, it could have been worse, I could’ve started vaping. I’m not really saving much money and I’m pretty sure my pants are significantly tighter because I’ve been spending all that ciggie money on food. All the food. But hey, at least I'm not smoking!!!
It’s been 2 months now and I haven’t looked back. This is the 147th time I have tried to quit, so only time will tell if I succeed. If I ever think about smoking again, hopefully a deck will cost around $60 and I’ll be more inclined to save that money to go towards something more important, like a house or a holiday or a fuck load of Uber Eats.
Lesson learnt: Life isn’t all about smoking darts and breaking hearts. Who would have thought?
If you want help kicking your ciggie habit, you can visit www.quitnow.gov.au and download MyQuit Buddy.
Amber Melissa is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking. You can lurk her @lifeofamber__.