• Isabella Battersby

How to prepare yourself for the inevitable Walk Of Shame

Firstly, maybe just don't do it. Don’t go back to his/her house. Their bedroom is likely to be grosser than yours, you’ll probably be in a strange suburb - far from your inner-west bubble - and because it's you, their housemates will be home and they’ll hear the whole fucking thing (pun intended). Even worse, they might be a serial killer or even worse than that, they might be bad in bed.

This may be some good advice for good old sober you, but I’m sure you'll soon forget it after your third VB or G&T (whatever drink you can afford that night) and you’ll bloody latch onto any skin you can, not in a vampire way of course, unless you’re into that.

Here are a few things you should consider before you’re out and amongst every other inner westie, smoking your champion ruby pouches and talking about some under ground shitty shoegazing music (no offence).

Firstly, what should you bring on the chance that the universe throws you a bone (get it) and you have to perform the inevitable walk of shame that very next morning?

A spare shred of dignity? A completely new identity? Some gum perhaps?

Maybe all of those items would be useful… but there are also other necessities that you should stash in your bag including: condoms, deodorant, a phone charger and a snack for the morning. Why not chuck in an apple or a carrot? You could also use the carrot for other things… like curling your hair, have you not seen that Broad City episode?

To avoid the awkwardness of the actual physical walk home (I know using your body for things other than sex and showering is a hassle) maybe don't wear heels. Wear joggers so it'll look like you're exercising in the early hours of the morning. Who will judge you for that? No one, all of the judgmental non-joggers will still be asleep. You could also wear wheelie joggers, so you can slide right out of their room in the morning. Walk of shame no more, it is now the slide of pride.

Maybe dress up in a school uniform so it'll look like you're off to school? Just take a helicopter so you don't have to walk home, no, actually buy a jetpack or get one of those hover crafts so it's a hover of shame. Look, just don't go back to theirs, take them back to yours and kick ‘em out afterwards and they can do the slide of pride back to their not so humble abode.

On that note, it shouldn’t be called a walk of shame. Slide of pride is what it is! You got some last night, congrats, OWN IT. It’s a walk of fucking pride my friend. Sex shouldn’t be shameful, unless it's with a shit person. Just don’t have sex with shit people.

So my queens, have fun on your walk home after some good old fashioned boning. Own your sleepy eyes and horrible bed hair, embrace your eye-watering breath and smelly pits. Also remember to take those necessities that I mentioned before, you'll thank me later.

Isabella is a soon to be 20 something studying at USYD and writing for Honi Soit. She loves VB and shaving her head. A bunch of nonsense and pictures of clouds (and occasional poems) can be found @msbellabatman.

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