• Chris 'Schmitty' Smith

Things I love about Austraya

* Editors note: We here are Twenty Something Humans are proud supporters of the 'Change The Date' campaign. We believe that there is a time and place to celebrate all things Aussie, and it's not on the 26th of January. So we bring to you 'Things we love about Austraya' on the 24th of January, because there are literally 364 other days to choose from, and we choose this one.*

Ahhh Austraya, you little beauty. I think it can be said by all who are luckily enough to grace this land: traditional custodians, those who were born here, those who migrated or those lucky buggers that get to hang out here for a good, old holiday, that it's one of the only places in the world where she can be truly beautiful one day and absolutely perfect the next.

However, it's not only a land of great beauty and beaches but also a land of unsolved mysteries. Did the dingo really take her baby? Is the Tasmanian Tiger really extinct? And who the fuck invited Pauline Hanson?

Jokes aside, Australia is truly one fascinating hunk of rock; some even regard us the coolest and luckiest country on the planet - I bloody agree with you there big fella.

I wanted to dig deeper into what makes Australia truly great and find out some of the weird and wacky facts about this bloody beautiful country and show you why I love her so much.

Our first ever winter Gold Medal Steven-Bloody-Bradbury! What a ripper.

Many other countries wouldn't have a clue who this bloke is but for Australian's he represents the cornerstone of what it means to be an Aussie with a "never say never" attitude.

In the 2002 Winter Olympic Games Australia went to Salt Lake City having never won a gold medal and it was shaping up to be the same result until Steven Bradbury won the most unexpected Gold medal in Olympic history. His event was the 1000m short track speed-skating and he was up against the best speed skater in the world, at that particular time, and the host nations favourite and defending champion. On the final turn of the event the other 3 competitors all tripped each other and fell short of the line and Steven Bradbury crossed for gold with his hands held high, looking about as bewildered as a rugby league during a TAFE exam.

This bloke is the true definition of an Aussie underdog.

Those frosted tips are a shocker mate.

Australia's Coat of Arms For many, the Australian Coat of Arms (the Kangaroo and the Emu) are just two native Australian animals that were chosen because of their representation of Australia's unique wild-life (we tried to give the koala a go, but he didn't turn up in time for the photoshoot. Lazy bastard). However, this isn't the true reason for their inauguration. In fact the Kangaroo and the Emu were chosen because they are the only Australian animals that can't physically walk backwards. For that reason the powers that be saw these iconic animals as the perfect representation for what this country and its people are; a country that does not go backwards, only forwards. That's a bloody country to get around, that is!

Record holders for beer drinking Yep, there's no denying Australian's love to get stuck into a beer more than a great white shark into a unsuspecting surfer. Over the years we've even broken records for drinking that are probably less believable than a tanned pommie but they actually happened!

For one, David Boon, a former Australian test cricketer, broke the world record for the downing the most beers in one single plane trip (52 beers- solid effort) whilst on his way to represent Australia in the Ashes. To drink 52 beers in one sitting is phenomenal in itself, let alone on a plane at high altitude, bloody outstanding form! Brings a tear to my eye.

But there's still one yarn that tops the rest and, incredibly, it involves our former Prime Minister Bob Hawke, who broke the world record for sculling 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds... Yep, you read that correctly, OUR FORMER PM, Bob Hawke!!! You bloody ripper! If that doesn't make you proud of your country I'm not sure what will.

Atta boy Hawkeyyyy....

Our fascination with BIG THINGS No matter which country town you go to in Australia, there's a good chance they'll be claiming to have the biggest 'something' in the world. That's right, move over Eiffel Tower and the Statue of Liberty, we've got the Big Banana in Coffs Harbour! That's just one of many. Bryon Bay has the Big Prawn monument, Trangie has the Big Billycan and now in Nyngan we've got the Big Bogan... I genuinely don't understand our fascination with these things but I fkn love it and they draw those tourists in and where there's tourists, there's money, so bring it on baby!

Our Beaches This one was a certainty to make the list. There's nothing better than spending a hot summers day at one of the many beautiful coastline beaches Australia has to offer. But just how many beaches are there to offer? The university of Sydney completed a study in early 2016, concluding there is currently 10,685 beaches in Australia. That would mean that if you decided to go to a different beach every single day it would take you 27 years to visit them all!

That's not Fiji mate, that's our very own Jervis Bay.

The most isolated and diverse country in the world It's safe to say that Australia is more remote than my chances to ever play halfback for the New Zealand Rugby Union side but just to what extend is it? In terms of isolation, 90% of Australian's or 9 out of 10 people live by the coastline, leaving a hell of a lot of ball space for the other 10%.

Perth is renowned as the most isolated city in the world, being almost half the length of Australia away from its closed city (Adelaide). That being said, Australia is still a high diverse country in regards to the Aussie climate. In some places it can be snowing and at the same time, some where else in Australia, she gets that dry you could almost witness two trees following a dog. In fact, on December 11th 2016 in the central highlands of Tasmania residents woke to the sight of a summer snow fall and on the other side of the country residents endured a 40 degree day with 80% humidity. Goon

Love it or hate it, it really doesn't matter - just don't underestimate it cause she can do some serious damage. However, to get 30 standard drinks in a cask for under $10 is nothing short of God like and for your average-joe Aussie, who is most likely so tight with money you couldn't drive a pin up there arse with a jack hammer, it's potentially the greatest thing going round.

We talk absolute gibberish and fucked-If-I-know why

Ever talked to a full blown, true blue, dinky-die Aussie before? It's one of the most challenging tasks you may ever have to to deal with. It's deadset like they try to put 10 words into one so it'll make it easier for them and ten times harder for you - g'daymatehowyagoin. Literally just rolls of the tongue in one syllable.

Here are some of my personal favourites: • 'Balls up'- a big mistake • 'standing out like dog clackers'- obvious • 'buggered'- tired • 'Not a brass razoo'- Broke • 'Flat out like a lizard drinking'- Busy • 'Could sell ice to Eskimos'- persuasive • 'Pulled the pin'- dead • 'A dead dingo's donger'- dry • 'Donger'- Penis • 'Not the full bucket of chicken'- Dumb • 'Chunder'- vomit • 'Tonguing'- Hungry

That doesn't even take into account the rhyming we do to explain things by using celebrity names in general conversation like:

• Barry Crocker- shocker • Britney Spear- beer • Luke Burt- shirt • Craig Gower- shower • Adam Moog- bog (a poo) • Brent Tate- in a state • Cathy Freeman- Ya dreaming So there you have it dingos, a few good reasons why I think it's safe to say that Australia is one of the most exceptional parts of the world.

Chris 'Schmitty' Smith is a self-proclaimed country boy residing at the base of the Blue Mountains in the town of Kurrajong. This dinky-die wombat holds many hidden talents such as drinking copious amounts of alcohol and is the unofficial tallest midget in Australia. No one that meets this true blue knacker dislikes him*. So throw your Budgie Smugglers go have a chinwag with a bloke that puts the stray in straya.

*According to him

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