Important tips to become a basic Summer Instagrammer
A wise man once said,“summertime and the living is easy.” And then there’s something about fish, and cotton, and blah blah blah. He was right, though. The living is easy. Nothing but long days at the beach, eating watermelon, and ignoring in the crippling existential crises that threaten to overtake our collective psyches at the thresholds of every calendar year. But living isn’t enough: is it really summer if you don’t document it? Is it really summertime, and is the living really easy, without Instagram?
If you don’t know how to properly document your summer in the age of the Internet, never fear. I’m here to give you a rundown on the hippest and coolest Insta-trends of summer so you can be up to date on the fast-paced, cutthroat world of taking it fucking easy.
Group Shots In/By The Pool/Ocean
This is a great way to prove to the Internet that you have friends. Bonus points if you and your friends have good abs and/or a decent tan. You can be in the water, or out of it (nobody needs to know that you can’t swim, or don’t want to get your hair wet).
For the ladies, a full face of makeup might seem a little bizarre, but remember that the iPhone camera is getting more and more HD every day. If you’re a stickler for looking naturale, just pop on some sunglasses.
In fact, make everyone wear sunglasses. Nobody should see your eyes. Face the camera and smile – or, better yet, be caught mid-laugh. Everyone needs to know that you not only have friends with good tans, but that they’re funny as well. Whack on the Valencia filter. Post. Done.
Pool floaties shaped as flamingos and/or unicorns
Hot pink really pops on every Instagram feed, so even if the dreaded algorithm is trying to bury your posts behind sponsored ads or Kylie Jenner’s latest selfie, your ‘gram is going to stand out.
This is another pool pic by the way – whoever heard of a floatie on land? But don’t worry, you can lounge in it serenely and get a mate to snap the pic from the edge of the pool. Not into being serene? Get two or more floaties. Get an army of flamingos. Two armies. Gather those well-tanned friends from your group shot and pit them against each other in a bloody flamingo war. If there are any survivors, get them to take a pic of the remains – the stained water, the floating bodies, and the deflated, hot pink floatie carnage.
Also, can't wait for inflatable donkeys to be a thing.
The days of green juices have not ended, but they have been usurped in the summer months by things that are #tropical and potentially (always) alcoholic.
It’s always a good idea to ‘gram whatever you’re drinking, because that means the calories don’t count, and also there’s evidence in case you’re poisoned.
If you’re still into #greenliving, a green juice is okay, but make sure that you’re lounging in the shade post-workout, and make a point of telling everyone how you’re unwinding after your early morning bikram yoga and don’t intend to move again all day.
If you’re willing to go to the next level, hollow out an entire watermelon, fill it with Malibu rum, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and seawater. A giant crazy straw is recommended, as is skewers of fruit (or whatever) sticking out every which way. When you’re done, eat the rind.
If you need something a little more low budget, put some cucumber into a $2 bottle of soda water.
Snapchat filters 4 dayz.
I think we can all agree that Snapchat filters are the greatest invention since the wheel. There’s no party, no day at the beach, no brunch that is complete without you and your friends transmogrifying yourselves into dogs.
It’s the best way to get a great selfie while, technically, obscuring a whole third of your face. This tip also applies to any and all of the above. Group shot of airbrushed, super contoured faces. Hanging out with your pool floaties – both you and your noble flamingo steed wearing flowercrowns. Face swap with your green juice cocktail. Really become One With Summer.
There you have it: a guide to your summer on Instagram. The same applies to all holiday trips, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and long hikes in the Appalachians. Remember kids, your daddy’s #rich, and your momma’s #goodlooking. So hush, little baby. Don’t you cry. It’s all #instagood.
Barbara Taylor is a human being, probably. She's really into arguing vehemently for things she might not even care about that much. She refers to William Shakespeare, who died 400 years ago, as: "Bill, my son." Her Instagram is @OhWowBee and is mostly pictures of her dog. She writes, sometimes.