• Amber Melissa

How to survive an absolute bender of a weekend

Sliding through a bender and coming out with all your limbs still attached is a magical feeling. The long weekend is approaching for some of us and it's sure to get extra bendy. Like, sorry in advance liver, kidney and all other vital organs.

So you're young, dumb and have your whole month's pay to blow in three days? Fantastic because fuck rent and continue reading for our top tips for surviving a bender.

Do your nervous excitement poos beforehand

When you're so geedup to see your friends and get merry, mistakes can happen. Drinks can be drunk too fast, heads can be in the hole of the dunny and next thing you know you're vomiting and farting at the same time. Only your fart is most probably a shart. We all have that one friend who ruins the night by shitting themselves.

Obviously you do want to make sure you eat something in preparation. Clearly eating too much is not an option. You don't want to spend all night, taking shot after shot, only to find you're sober as a gopher around home time. Not eating enough is like the 'G' in lasagne..... pointless. Happy medium kids, happy medium. Shit it before you hit it!

It's a marathon not a sprint

Woah Sally, know when to peak. Your peak isn't 2pm on day two of said bender. It's more like 10pm every night of the bender. Don't be the dick doing a keg stand (we're so fucking Americanised it hurts) at 10am. Mate, pop your sunnies on like a civilised human and just sit the fuck down and get stupidly drunk.

Save the crazy for later. Side note, 7pm is also too early. You'll end up taking a nap on an awkward piece of furniture and wake up not knowing what time or day it is with a sore neck.

Pack bananas and Gatorade

The key to success is preparation. If you know your plans won't bring you back to the safety and comfort of home, pack a few things you'll need. The usual shit that keeps you smelling like a baby prostitute but also very important essentials that will, fingers crossed, deter what feels like close to death the next morning. Keep your vitamin levels up and just maybe you won't have the Sahara Desert inside your facial orifice when you awaken from your drunken slumber.

Be a lover not a fighter

Accept the fact that it is very possible to go out with one set of friends and come home with a new set of friends. Be open to taking adventures that your sober self would have denied. Peace, love and spiritual journeys for at least the next 6-8 hours. If you know you're going to be an extra lovey person handing out so many feels you land yourself on a dick pony, be smart and use protection. No one wants to wake up with herpes. With all this love floating about, you definitely won't feel the need to punch some unsuspecting stranger. If you do, roll yourself a doobie and zen the fuck out man.

Wishing you all the best this wild weekend, may your inner alcohol enthusiasts encourage you to drink responsibly-ish.

Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.

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