• Mark Mariano

Rejecting the harder things in life

When you’re a kid, lazy days are often limited to the occasional Saturday or Sunday morning with a little bit of Cheez TV. The second you turn 20, every day is lazy day (it's bloody amazing). It’s like some huge universal shift that you don’t notice at first. One moment you’re a functioning teen of society and the next, it’s like you’re magically glued to your bed. Regular things like paying bills and running errands become a massive chore and you really just don't have time because the latest season of Orange Is The New Black just came out and you're a committed and loyal viewer.

Life is so hard as a twenty something year old, and while I procrastinate and avoid doing the dishes, I thought I’d get out a few other points of laziness before I call it a day. At 3pm.

Getting Fit

In this day and age it’s hard getting fit in a world plagued with glamourized Insta-health fit-bods that make eating kale and quinoa salad look so effortless when in actual fact it’s obviously a massive chore to shove that shit down your throat.

We won’t be young and pretty forever, so what’s the rush? Fab Foodie trumps fit any day!

Making appointments

Making phone calls makes your palms all sweaty and your voice gets all husky and weird. Not the sexy husky, more like a warped, pubescent husky that enflames the phlegm and wrangles your voice box.

We spend our entire lives talking to our friends over the phone, so why does the idea of talking to a stranger send us into a crippling web of anxiety? Thankfully with some GP’s keeping up with the trend, you can now book appointments online without having to speak to another human being. Win.

Even though you probably CBF going when the appointment comes along. Those hourly nosebleeds that you keep getting are probably nothing serious anyway.

Terms and Conditions

Need I say more? These are those 3 billion word disclaimers attached to a contract that you are “supposedly” meant to skim through before committing to purchasing a product or service.

We are convinced they are designed to purposefully switch off the interested part of our brains and even though we sometimes worry that we might be signing over our prized collection of Pokemon cards, or our first born child, we’re still likely to frantically scroll to the bottom of the screen and click ‘accept’ because the Bachelor starts in FIVE MINUTES.

Updating your smartphone

I thought with the latest iOS that we’d have less mundane updates but lord was I wrong. They’ve just split it into 86 hourly updates. Who has seriously got a spare 6 hours to update their phone? Don’t you know that they are an extension of our being? We cannot (and will not) live without our phone for that long.

‘Do you want to update now?’ Remind me later. Skip. Cancel. Remind me tomorrow. Back to square one at 9pm. One job Steve Jobs, one job.

Filling up on petrol

My mother always told me to fill up just before you hit a quarter tank, yet here I am, living on a prayer, desperately trudging it to BP. Don’t judge me, I was on half tank two days ago. All I’ve done is drive to maccas a couple of times. Okay, maybe a couple of hundred times. Plus, I kind of get a thrill driving around with the petrol light on, don’t you?

Last but not least - Reading past the first few paragraphs of an online article

Congrats if you made it this far, you’re truly a one of a kind, a dedicated human. In a world of 6 second vines and 140 characters, it is genuinely a feat reading through a whole page and if you have just skipped the body and scrolled down to this section don’t stress, you didn’t miss much, it was all nosebleeds and Pokemon cards.

Mark is a sexy young ethnic guy who is known for his infectious laugh and ridiculous sense of humour. He rarely crosses the line, but that may be because he assumes it requires cardio. He prides himself on his morals and ethics but this can easily be thrown out the door if a cute guy gives him attention.

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