• Amber Melissa

Women are from Venus and Men are from Hummus.

As the saying goes, “women are from Venus and men are from Mars”. Do people still even say this? Because it’s fucking true. For women, whether they’re single as a pringle or whipped AF, men can be down right confusing. We have all been in a situation where we think the relationship is going swimmingly and then he pulls the “I’m not ready for a relationship” card. Seriously mate, I’m a fucking queen and I thought we were just having fun but whatever.

It tends to be a little annoying when he* does and says all the right things as if you were already a conjoined name like Brangelina, then does a complete 180 on you. Here you are, six months deep, doing the usual shit – dates, laughter, sexy times and holding in the farts, the whole shebang, THEN he wants to run the other direction or give you the classic “let’s just be friends”. You scream, “I HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS TURTLE DICK," but you're also left thinking, where the hell did things go wrong?

Men are literal creatures. Women tend to be the over-thinkers. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just human nature. It’s probably why men tend to joke that women make for great detectives because yes, we will remember something you said about 1 year, 3 months, 6 days ago and we always know where you left your keys (they're in the front door again).

A lot of women tend to ask their fellow girl gang for advice about something a man said or did. We will imagine a million different scenarios as to why he hasn’t messaged back or if he’s just making an excuse to not hang out. Unless of course, you’re dating a fuckboy, different rules apply for those types but we ain't got time to delve into that shit storm right now.

You know what really pisses us off though? The ones that come clawing their way back after breaking it off. This becomes particularly annoying if he brings you some hummus (true story). We become confused and in need of extra tortilla chips. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with you but then pulls off a grand gesture like bringing you fucking hummus, like tubs of hummus. What’s a girl to think? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN???

He might literally just wants to share his hummus with you. If he says he’s tired, he’s tired. If he’s says he’s busy as work, it doesn’t mean he’s bending the hot receptionist over his desk, he’s just busy. So maybe he did just have an excess of hummus at home and thought it might be a nice idea to share? Or maybe he's hoping the promise of hummus will help to get his dick a little wet. We will never be able to figure you out Hummus Boy, but extra points to you for being original, I guess?

Having the ability to take the emotion out of a situation can give you a clearer perspective. We need to accept the fact that men can’t read our minds and we really need to give specific and clear instructions if we need something from them (do not turn up to his house with hummus because he'll just think you're on for a Turkish smorgasbord and whip out the Gozleme- actually, that sounds pretty fucking amazing, maybe you should do it).

The same goes for men. Men need to understand we aren’t just being a crazy bitch. Unless we are at the point of slashing your tyres, don’t call us crazy because we really, truly don't like that. Men and women communicate differently. Our brains function differently. With every relationship, a new foundation for communication will need to be built. Sounds like hard yakka to me, but I guess that’s why I’m single. “How do people stay together for 50 years without killing each other?” will forever be the age-old question for me. I guess they just eat a lot of hummus.

*Yes, sometimes it can be a 'she', I know that Women can be confusing too, but this is my story and in my story it's dudes that are confusing the hell out of us ladies.

Image: Alex Jack

Amber is the kind of girl who looks like she has her shit together but really doesn't. She's known for her potty mouth, being inappropriately funny and for her love of doughnuts. Although she's new to the writing game, she is going to say what 'drunk you' was already thinking.

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