• Alex Porter

Lesbian Sex Shows: can you really have too much of a good thing?

Now I’m no scientist, in fact my Bachelor of Arts puts me closer on the spectrum to basket weaver than lab coat wearer, and that means I’ll likely never probe the question “what does pornography do to the modern man?” in any scientific way.

Thankfully though I have some personal experience to put forward a question of my own, because I have seen a lot of lesbian sex in my time. But hold on, before you throw up your hands in disgust and cover your children’s eyes, let me defend myself, spread this issue wide open and dive headfirst in to find that G-spot of truth when it comes to the question “what effect does watching regular lesbian sex have on the Gen Y heterosexual male?”

To set the context for this discussion, I enjoyed several years working in a Lingerie Bar in my early to mid-twenties. My days were whiled away slinging suds while numerous girls wandered haphazardly around in next to nothing. As Steve Jobs so eloquently put it, “the only way to do great work is to do what you love” and while he probably wasn’t hands on at the factory in China putting together iPhone cases himself, he did have a point.

By his definition, my time spent at the bar was “great work”. Week days were spent in the company of these stunning girls, a veritable army of waitresses who dropped jaws to the floor and left my patrons looking more stunned than when people get the first easy question wrong on Millionaire Hot Seat andthe weekends were a whole different story.

The patrons went out, the private functions came in and lingerie table service was replaced with live lesbian sex shows. Two girls, sometimes meeting for the first time at the bar, would play out an elaborate sexual ballet worthy of a podium finish at the X-rated Olympics (which is an idea I’ve been toying with lately). A group of drunk men at a bachelor party would watch intently, yell encouragement, think of their wives and children (no, that never happened, just the first two) and then go home.

Seems fairly innocuous right? And for them I am certain it was, because they only watched it once. They were the variable in this dirty equation, the constant? That was me. Every weekend I would stand and watch two women deep throat condoms onto a double ended dildo and back up on it simultaneously like the world’s most X-rated magic trick. The first time? Sexy AF. The 21st time? Another story…

Over time I realised I was no longer that impressed at seeing two women 69 on the floor of my bar, instead I looked forward to that lesbian sex show as it signalled a break of service at the bar and a chance to throw a few dirty glasses through the dishwasher. It seems everything in moderation applies here more than ever.

However, this disinterest seemed to bleed into my private life. My own sex life began to suffer as my brain became accustomed to these perfect women and their sex shows. What was once the most thrilling and exciting spectacle was now banal, and as my ability to get turned on by live lesbian sex faltered, so did my ability to get turned on in my own sex life. Like getting used to a routine at the gym, my libido peaked, plateaued and crashed.

This was a real wake-up call. Sex and daily life go hand in hand, that won’t be news to anyone. But as my own image of sex lost its prestige I began to notice just how many other aspects of life weren’t celebrating natural sex, but berating it. These days if you’re not having it, that’s a problem. But don’t worry – there’s ads and apps and all sorts of ways to fix that. In fact even if you are having it you should be having it better – why not improve your experience with toys, tips, nasal sprays or pills?! That was disheartening to realise, as I became acutely aware that the cause of my disinterest did not come from all that up close girl on girl, it was merely a symptom of a much wider social problem.

Like any good massage though, this story had a happy ending. I realised that there is too much of a good thing. You’ve all got free will, you’ve probably got another tab opened on your browser with porn hub right now, but if I can pass on anything from my experience it is that a healthy sex life takes work and discipline. Remind yourself about all the things that make your partner sexy and tell them about it, because I have seen monster dildos disappear inside women who appeared to feel no pleasure at all, only business. And if you’re not careful that can happen to your mind too.

I stood on the edge of that sexual precipice and was lucky enough to take a step back. It was a beautiful view, but the risk of falling into the abyss was just too great. So celebrate your women, let them come first (both in your mind and in bed) and don’t let your fantasies step on your reality.

You’re all adults though, so do whatever the fuck you want. I’m just happy to throw in my two cents, which means I should probably go and see if they have any spare weekend shifts back at the bar…

Image: Loren Bousefield

Alexander Porter is a 27 year old with a degree from Sydney University. Getting it in a frame is on his 30 before Thirty list. He has a Back to the Future tattoo and is available for party hire. When Alex isn't writing he is watching his beloved St George Dragons let him down, drinking flavoured milk and planning new travel adventures. You can follow him on instagram @alexander_le_great

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